Tag Archives: singleness

Advent Waiting

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Have you ever noticed how much of life is about waiting? We wait in the drive thru line at the fast food store. We wait in the waiting room at the doctor and/or dentist’s office.We wait for those we love. We wait for packages and fun snail mail to arrive in the mail. We wait at the airport. The truth is that we actually wait a lot in our lives. Yet, I don’t know about you, but for me, I have a hard time waiting. I can get pretty impatient.

And when it comes to God answering my prayers and/or the desires of my heart, it seems like my patience meter runs even shorter. I want it to be answered right now! Yet God doesn’t answer our prayers or the desires of our heart like that, does God? God has a plan in store for each and every one of us. I am reminded of a Tweet from my blog friend Kaitlyn “God has a very, very good plan. We may not understand it, but that doesn’t make it any less good.” Oh how I need to cling to those words in the waiting!

Sometimes it seems like those plans are coming into place for every one but me. Just a few weeks ago, a camp friend got engaged. I am so excited for her. Her fiance is a single dad so she gains an instant family. Then on Thanksgiving, a good friend was proposed too. My heart and head have a hard time holding my emotions during these joyous occasions because part of me is so excited for them while another part of me feels deflated.

Yet Advent is all about waiting, isn’t it? My friend Susan gifted me an early release copy of Mandy Hale’s book “A Beautiful Uncertainty.” She knew her words were exactly what my soul needed. My favorite chapter is a chapter titled “Advent, Single, and Waiting” Funny thing is that I read that chapter just as Advent was nearing. Because Advent is indeed all about waiting.

As the weeks lead up to Christmas and Jesus’ birth, we find ourselves dwelling in the Word and the peace and holiness of this season. In John chapter one, we read “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being in him was life, and the life was the light of all people. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not overcome it.”–John 1:1-5

We wait for this Word, born of flesh, Emmanuel! Like Mary, we ponder and treasure all these things in our hearts. Like the shepherds, we wait and find the baby Jesus lying in the manger. Like the wise men, we wait and bring the Messiah gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. We wait for this one who is sent into the world to bring hope and peace and joy and will later die on a cross for our sins. We wait because we trust in a God who fulfills God’s promises!

Yes, a God who fulfills God’s promises. Those are important words for us all to cling to and remember especially during this Advent season. Much like we await the birth of Jesus, I find myself waiting and clinging to God’s promises to me. I may not know the day nor the hour but God has a plan for me and each and every one of us. In fact, it may not be the plan I have pictured for myself but it is the plan God has designed specifically for me. And that plan is oh so good!

May we all wait and hold onto the hope of our faithful God who is always ever faithful especially as we wait and watch for this precious baby boy born in a stable in Bethlehem oh so many years ago..this holy child who comes to remind us of God’s love and faithfulness for all God’s people.

I am linking up with these beautiful faith-filled women: Holly at Testimony Tuesday, Kelly and the RaRa Linkup, Jennifer and Tell His Story, and Holley and Coffee for your Heart.


 

The Unlikely Suspects

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Mary was chosen to give birth to the Christ child.
Sarah gave birth to a son at a very old age.
Noah was chosen to build the ark.
David was chosen to fight Goliath.

These are only a few of the stories that I think of when I reflect on God’s grace in the Bible. There are so many more stories that embody what it means to be blessed by God’s grace. And, like these characters in the Bible, God chooses us too. God often chooses the most unlikely of people to receive God’s grace.

I never imagined that I would be the one to attend seminary. But God saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself. And placed professors, advisors and friends who continually graced me with God’s grace.

I wouldn’t have worked at SuperAwesomeBibleCamp for seven summers if God hadn’t shown grace to the camp director who hired me.

God’s grace again and again has a way of showing up in the most unlikeliest of people and in the most unlikeliest of places. As a single 37 year old, I cannot even begin to imagine the emotions Mary felt when she was told she would give birth to the Christ child. Yet she fulfilled God’s call for her life. And I will bet the minute she held her infant Son in her arms, she was overcome with great emotion and love; trusting in the gift of God’s grace for her family and especially for her newborn Son.

David was in not so many words the runt of the litter. Yet God chose him. David fought Goliath and even won! Another example of the mighty power of God’s grace in our lives. God’s grace doesn’t ever leave us where it found us! It is a gift that is always placed on the table for us to receive.

Through these Bible stories and through the stories in our own lives, I believe that we can begin to see a glimpse of God’s grace even in the midst of our own darkness.  We began to show the visibility of a sometimes invisible God. I am reminded of these words from Paul Tripp that I shared in a blog post in September titled The Visibility of God’s Grace. Tripp writes: “I think my job is to make the grace of an invisible God, visible, wherever I am!”

Because I have received this gift in my own life and seen the power of this grace in my own life, I will continue to show it others so that together we may see the visibility of God’s grace in our own lives and on our own journeys of faith.

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My Not So Graced-Filled Life

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“How long, Oh Lord, will you forget me forever? Oh how these words penetrate my heart. I so deeply yearn to be a wife and a mom, but at long last, I am still a single woman. I love my job and my life, yet there is something that I so deeply wish for. It is an area of my life where I always find myself looking for God’s grace because this is not at all how I pictured my life.

I scroll through my Facebook feed and read the news of a new birth, a new home, a new engagement, a new marriage…. I will admit that I am extremely happy for these friends and family. Yet my heart hurts so deeply. It is brokenhearted! And there is not enough chocolate to cover the pain of this ache in my heart. I want to hold my own child in my arms. I want to spend my Friday night cuddled up to someone special. But what if that is not the story God has for my life? 
And if that is not the story God has for my life, I have to remember to receive God’s grace with open hands. That is not an easy pill to swallow. Yet in all truth, I know that God is finding ways to show God’s grace to me. God has a way of showing up in the most unexpected places and in the most unexpected people.
Just the other day,  I returned home from a weekend at a youth gathering. In my mailbox, there was bills and other junk mail, but there was also a package wrapped in brown paper packaging that caught my eye. I set the mail down and put away my clothes etc. After opening all of my mail, I finally opened my package. It was a gift from my friend Susan that she got while she was attending Allume. The gift was a book titled “Beautiful Uncertainty: Singleness, Surrender, and Stepping Out on Faith” by Mandy Hale. The book actually is an advanced reader copy. I thought I was going to have to wait for the book to come out, but Susan thought of me and sent this book and sweet note in the inside cover.  Her words “I pray it speaks to your soul” are another gift of God’s grace in my life!
There are days in this single life of mine that my life is not so grace-filled at all! I question where God’s grace is in the midst of yearning and questioning if God will EVER answer the deepest desires of my heart or if I will have to surrender knowing that this is not the story God has in store for my life. I honestly don’t think God would give me these deep desires for so long if they weren’t going to be eventually answered in my life. 
The single life can be so lonely. The single life can be so full of waiting and wondering. The single life can be so full of uncertainty. Yet the single life, especially when it feels like it is not so grace-filled, is more grace-filled than I can ever imagine! God has a way of showing me God’s grace through one of the hardest seasons of my life. And knowing that, I trust and wait for the gift of grace in the midst of this season of singleness in my life. Yet there are days that is so much easier said than done. No amount of chocolate or peppermint ice cream will make up for God’s grace which is always and ever enough! 
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Today I am linking up with some of my favorites: Holly and Testimony Tuesday, Kelly and the RaRa Linkup, Jennifer and Tell His Story, and Holley and Coffee for Your Heart.

 
 

Dreaming of My Own “Happily Ever After”

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I am linking up for the Five Minute Friday. The FMF is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Today’s prompt is “Alone.” Write for five minutes; unedited.


I heard the word prompt tonight and so many emotions begin to bubble up inside of me. Next week I will turn 37. I am still single; still yearning yet to be a wife and a momma. It is something that I have always wanted. And I see those around me; friends of all ages in their homes with their families and I can’t help but ask. When will it be my turn? Or am I going to be alone forever?

I come home each night to an empty house. I lay down in my bed no one to cuddle up next to. I often spend my Friday Nights watching a movie or television show alone on my couch.  Sometimes the tears stream down my face. It is not at all how I pictured my life as a 37 year old. I have always imagined my life as a woman with a husband, 2.5 kids, a dog, and a house surrounded by a white picket fence. I have always dreamed of my very own “happily ever after.”

God knows the desires of my heart and hears them. Yet there are days that my loneliness is more prominent and I sometimes question if God hears them at all. I know God does hear them…..but sometimes especially when I am so lonely that is so much easier said than done.

Tears stream down my face. I wonder when it will be my turn. I wonder if I will always be alone. I wonder if I will ever get to be a mom. I wonder if my house will always be so quiet. I wonder when my time will come. I wonder….but then I put all my trust in a God who I know hears the desires of my heart and who knows what my heart holds; a heart that holds the promises of God and knowing  that I am not alone because God walks with me every step of the way and also puts individuals in my path who also walk with me.

Godly Fear

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Fear does have a way of robbing us of our joy, doesn’t it? There are so many things that I fear. Will I ever find my Mr. Right? Will I ever be a mom? Will I be able to make and save enough money to go on that vacation I want to go on? Will my paycheck make it to the next paycheck? (And the list of questions is endless.

I am such a blessed woman. I have a roof over my head. I have a car. I have food and clothing (more clothes than I probably need). I have a wonderful job that I love. I live close enough to my work, that I can walk to work every day. I am blessed to have amazing friends and family. Yet sometimes these wonderful things are overshadowed by the deep dark fears in my life. And, my friends, I don’t want those fears to rob me of my joy!
Yet it is so easy for my joy to be overshadowed by my fears. Just today, I had a moment where I was so worried about something that I found fear and even anger inching its way into my heart and soul.
As I felt that fear and anger boiling up in my body, I was reminded that fear is not of God. In those moments, I hear Jesus saying, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its owns. Today’s trouble is enough for today (Matthew 6:34 NRSV).” (So much easier said than done!)

The truth is that there is Godly fear….but that is a different kind of fear than the fear that barges in and steals all of our joy. It is a fear that reminds us of the power of God’s love and grace. In fact, it is that kind of fear that calls us to be “a voice and not an echo.” It is also that Godly fear that invites us ALL to the table of grace where we are to break bread together. It is that Godly fear that reminds us constantly of who and whose we are!

I don’t know about you, but for me, it is the kind of fear that I need to cling too; a fear that is grounded in God’s grace for God’s people. There are so many days when I question why I fear certain things in my life. Yet the truth is that God calls me to trust in him and to not let my fears overshadow the moments of deep joy in my life. In fact, it is Godly fear that crushes our worldly fears.

As I write this, I find my body exhaling as I cling to the joy I see around me; a picture on Facebook of a friend’s son playing on a slip and slide (pure and utter joy), listening to the birds outside my house as they enjoy the bird feeder in my neighbor’s yard, celebrating friend’s birthdays, reading a book on my patio on a beautiful summer day and the list goes on. It seems to me that when we celebrate and remember the gifts and blessings around us, we are able to let Godly fear extinguish those worldly fears in our lives.

I am not saying that we won’t fear because the truth is we will. We are all human…and fear is indeed a human emotion. Tomorrow I will probably wake up with another fear finding its way into my heart and trying to rob me again of my joy. But the truth is God knows what is in store. God indeed provides. I love how the Message translation translates that verse from Matthew 6: “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes (Matthew 6:34, Eugene Peterson’s The Message Translation).”

Those words are difficult words to hear and I believe, are even harder for us to trust in. Yet the truth is that God is a God who provides. God often doesn’t provide in the ways we would like him to provide, but God still provides. God provides especially when the hard things arise. I have seen this so many times through answered prayers. Sometimes God says, “Not yet” or “Maybe” or “Later”  but God always provides and shows us God’s answer. So today I am choosing to cling to Godly fear, the hope found in answered prayers, and Godly grace.

Today I am linking up with Holly for Testimony Tuesday, Kelly for the RaRa Linkup, Jennifer for Tell His Story, and Holley for Coffee for Your Heart: 


 


How Long, Oh Lord?

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Are you lonely? Are you deeply longing for something?

My friends, I AM! I am longing deeply to be a wife and a mother. I am longing to not come home to an empty house. I am longing for God to answer the God-given desires of my heart. I am longing to hold a sweet little baby in my arms. I am longing for….
Sometimes I feel as if I am the only one longing, but as my friend KA reminded me in a blog comment, there are probably many others who are feeling the same way that I am. There are many of you out there longing for the exact same things I am. And there are others of you longing for other items in your life. KA suggested that I be brave and share this part of my story, so I am. Besides brave is my #oneword365 for 2015 so it seems a fitting place to share this part of my story. And I want you to know, my friends, that if you are longing and lonely, you are not alone. I see you and hear the cries of your heart too.

I am a 36 year old single woman. Ever since I was little, I have wanted to be a mom. I remember sitting on the floor of our house playing “House” with my little sister. I would dress my cabbage patch dolls up in my very own infant clothes waiting for the day that I could dress my real life little one up in those exact same clothes. But those clothes still remain packed away in a storage room at my Dad’s house. 
“Oh how long, oh Lord, how long?”
And there are so many in this stage of my life who are announcing marriage and pregnancy announcements. I am truthfully happy for them. But there is a huge part of me that is sad, who continually aches for these things for myself. I want to put my hand on my pregnant belly and feel my child kick me.  I even crazily want to NOT get a full night’s sleep because my child is awake. (Remind me of that someday when I DO have children!)
“Oh how long, oh Lord, how long?”

But I also realize that God might not answer my desires that way. There are days that I wonder if adoption is the path for me. I know there are so many children in the US and the world who are in need of a family. To be honest, I would love to adopt, but fear is the wall that keeps being put up. I wonder how my family and friends will react. I am frightened for what it would be like to be a single mom working at a church. Yet I know that if being a mom is a God-given desire of my heart, God WILL indeed answer that call.

“Oh how long, Oh Lord, how long?”

If you are like me, my friends, you continually find yourself asking this very question: Oh Lord, how long? I am reminded of the words we hear in Psalm 13; verse one (NRSV) “How Long, Oh Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” I honestly don’t see God hiding his face from me, but I do wonder how long I will have to wait and if those desires will be answered. And I am sure there are others of you who feel the exact same way.

“Will you forget me forever?”

That question is one that continually is on repeat in my mind. I trust in God’s promises for God’s people. Yet it is hard to come home to an empty house and long for something so deeply without seeing that prayer and that desire answered. However I have seen so many other prayers answered. I have seen my friends struggling with fertility issues and then all of a sudden they are announcing a pregnancy announcement. I have seen adoptions completed. But I also have seen the struggles that come with motherhood as well. I have seen my cousin have to lay two children to rest. I have seen many others who have never even gotten to hold their babies. And in the midst of both the joys and the sorrows, God has a way of continually showing up and knowing what we need.

God is a God of promises. But when you continue to ask the question, “How Long, Oh Lord, there are days that is so easy to forget.

God has a funny sense of humor. This morning I was getting ready 
for work listening to my favorite  Pandora station when this song came on. 
These lyrics caught me this morning: “This is for all the single people, Thinkin’ life 
has left them dry. Don’t give up until you drink from the silver cup. You’ll never know until you try.”
And I don’t remember EVER hearing this song before today! 

I am linking up with these lovely writers today: 


 


Reflecting on Mother’s Day

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Good Evening friends! I just got back from dropping my dear friends off at the train station. It is very quiet in  my house tonight. It was nice to catch up and spend time together. But now as I sit down, I am having some time to reflect on this day; Mother’s Day. This day can be so hard for so many…and I will admit today is hard for me…a woman who yearns so deeply to be a mom.

Working at a church, today can be one of the hardest days for me. I don’t think people always realize how hard this day celebrating Moms can be especially for those who have lost babies, for those whose adoptions  fell through, for those who have longed to be a mom. This morning I walked into church and said “Happy Mother’s Day” to many of the woman in our congregation who are moms. I authentically meant every greeting I gave. But deep down in my heart, my heart was aching. For there are many that don’t know my entire story. They don’t realize or understand how deeply I am aching to be a mom. In many ways, bearing that part of my story is sharing a vulnerability; a nakedness with them. 
Yet ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted to be a mom. And yet that hasn’t come true for me yet. There are days that I wonder if God hears me. But the truth is God does hear me. A friend reminded me the other day that my desire is a God-given desire. I love that because if it is truly God-given, than in one way or another it should happen for me. And that is a promise I can cling too.
Days like today where we celebrate Mothers, I find myself celebrating all the women in my life. I think of my own mom who has daily struggled with a mental illness since I was three. Yet my mom has never let her illness get in the way of who she is. She is one of the most faith-filled women that I know and is also one of the most beautiful women to me. I hope that I can be half the woman she is! 
There are so many woman who have nurtured me and been caring “mother-like” figures in my life. And for that I am so very thankful. But, my friends, I also see all of you who are hurting. And I want you to know I understand. I see the silent tears you have shed. I see you standing at the foot of your infant’s grave. I see you longing to be a mom. I see all of you…Mothers or not! For together we remind each other of what it means to mother. 
So, my friends, tonight I am lifting my glass in honor of all of you! And as I raise my glass, I am saying a prayer for all of you too!

Meeting Us Where We Are At

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I am linking up for the Five Minute Friday. The FMF is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Today’s prompt is “Meet.” Write for five minutes; unedited.


I have to be up at 5 am tomorrow morning to be at the bus station by 5:30 am. I will be meeting my friend Heather and her husband David. They have been living in Japan for the last several years where Heather was teaching English. They are moving back to the States. We haven’t seen each other in several years so I am excited to see her and her hubby.

As I think about meeting the bus and my friends, I think of the many wonderful ways that I have met friends in my life. They have blessed my life in so many ways and often those friendships have come about because God placed that person in my life. The thing is that God meets us where we are at.

I don’t know about you but I sometimes have a hard time trusting in that promise. Yet the truth is that God is a God of promises and knows our brokenness, our joys, our desires etc. God totally comes and always meets us where we are at. God knows that I yearn so deeply to be a mommy-to-be. And though there are more days than I care to admit that I forget God’s promise, I must remember that God always meets us where we are at. God meets us in the midst of the hard!

I think of my new friend KA and how her, her hubby and some friends are starting a new church. Tonight I asked her if I could pray and she asked me to pray that she would be able to write and memorize a Spoken Word piece for Sunday. I literally stopped and tweeted out a prayer for her in that moment. God met me right there on that phone screen. God knew what KA needed and saw to it that I was able to meet her needs through my prayers lifted up for her.

How often have you too seen God meet you where you are at?

*Lately I have noticed how God often meets me through amazing people. Lately I have also noticed God often shows up in my words…in written poetry, in sharing my story, and even in blog posts. It reminds me of the many ways that God meets me, meets us right where we are at. And I am so thankful that in my own brokenness, in your own brokenness, God comes again and again and meets us continually where we are at.

(And as a total side note, I am thankful for the ways that God has met me through my Write31 Days friends, my #Fmfparty friends and through so many more. I am so thankful that I will get to meet some of you InRl this summer in Nashville since my sister and I will be there for a sisters trip that week before. I never thought this would happen, but obviously God knew, didn’t he?)

*Where the 5 minutes stopped!

Take Delight

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Last week my friend Anna blogged on the Desires of our Hearts over at the InCourage community. If you didn’t get a chance to read Anna’s post, here is the link: Waiting for the Desires of my Heart.

From that day on, Anna’s words have continued to speak to my heart. I am a 36 year old woman who has always pictured her life ending much like the fairy tail endings of the movies and fairy tales. Yet I am no closer to that desire than I was then. My arms are still empty. I still come home to a dark empty house and an empty bed. Though I am choosing to trust in this one who indeed sees me and knows every desire of my heart; every desire of your heart.

With my empty arms and an empty bed, it is pretty evident to me that I am still waiting on those desires. Yet the truth is that God still sees my empty arms and my empty bed. He knows exactly what those desires are but most especially God sees me and knows my heart! There is so much hope in being seen. I think of Mary who was seen and was chosen to be Jesus’ mother. I think of how Jesus chose Moses and Noah and so many others. They didn’t think they were called but God saw them and called them. God calls us too!

That call comes in so many ways, but I think one of the ways we are called is to see each other; is to see each other’s gifts and share those gifts with the world. There is so much joy in being seen by others. Last Thursday I was so excited to open up my work email and see that Living Lutheran wanted permission to repost one of my blog posts on their website. It totally made my day. Someone had seen me…and thought that what I had to say was ENOUGH!

But the truth is we aren’t always seen. Sometimes (a lot of the time) we continue writing the words on the page but we don’t get the book deal or someone else’s post gets more hits than ours do. The words flow onto the page but there is no end in sight. The words sometimes feel like they are being poured onto the page only to vanish. Our words never vanish in God’s sight. God continually hears and sees the desires of our heart. God continually says, “You are mine. I see you. And I love you.”

Trusting in that promise, I am leaning into God continuing to keep company with him. The Message translation of the Bible translates Psalm 37:4 this way “Keep company with God, get in on the best.”

I am linking up with these awesome amazing writers today. Their words always speak to my heart!

 

The Book That is Wrecking My Soul

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Have you ever had a book totally wreck your soul in a totally utterly fantastic way? There is a book that is doing that for me right NOW! That book is the book “Let’s All Be Brave” by Annie F. Downs. Several friends recommended her book to me and I finally was able to pick it up at Barnes and Noble on Sunday. It is one of those books that I cannot put down. It also is a book that I am continually underlining in because there is so much of this book that is already speaking to me.

My #oneword365 for this year is “brave.” And oh how I want to be brave. And sometimes you just need that little shove; that push that calls you to be brave.

“I’m here to ask you to please do that thing in your heart that scares you to death. To make that move or leap or step or sound you wouldn’t have made a week ago. There is no formula and there are no rules. There is the Bible, our guidebook for all things, but other than that, being brave is organic and spiritual and a unique journey for each person.” (Let’s All Be Brave; Annie F. Downs; P.16)

Annie’s words remind me that God DOES indeed have a perfect plan for me. God knows that plan. And a lot of days it is so hard for me to trust in that plan. But then I am reminded that God knows my heart; knows every desire of my heart and indeed has a specific perfect plan for me.

“You aren’t headed out to find courage. It’s in you, it is blooming, and it is with you as you travel and say yes to things that seem scary. Remember, it’s not only the X that matters; it’s getting there .” (Let’s All Be Brave; Annie F Downs; P.23)

The truth, my friends, is that I have the courage to be brave. It is in me. Like a flower blooming, that courage is blooming and growing into a beautiful flower. And as that flower is blooming, I am reminded of how many times in the Bible we hear the words “Do not be afraid.” God promises to walk with us no matter what the journey brings us. And when we trust God has a way of showing up in surprising ways.

“That the moments of my greatest fears–those times when I was sure I was going to wimp out under the pressure of it all–have also been the open doors to the greatest changes in my life. So I step out, full of fear, but trusting that God is on the other side in new and wonderful ways. And so far? He always is.” (Learning to Be Brave; Annie F. Downs; P.31)

“And that though I am flawed, God is loving me and refining me and reminding me that God in me is where I can place my trust. And that is the place where I find my courage.” (Learning to Be Brave; Annie F. Downs; P.37)

See what I mean! As I read Annie’s words, I find myself realizing how I have everything I need to be brave. I can do anything I set my mind too. Sometimes it means just simply say the words “yes!” It means trusting in God who made me. I am “fearfully and wonderfully made.” I am not one hundred percent sure where this journey of bravery might take me, but each day I find myself clinging to and finding a little bit of that bravery that is already in me…that bravery that God is calling me to hold onto.

“You are one of a kind, made on purpose, deeply loved, and called to be courageous.” (Learning to Be Brave; Annie F. Downs; P.45)