Oh how easily fear sneaks in! It’s an emotion that we all struggle with. The other day I was working on my newsletter article where I wrote about joy not fear. I talked about how fear comes into each of our lives. Ever since writing that article, I’ve been thinking about fear. As many of you know from some previous posts, I yearn SOOOOO DEEEPLY to be a mom, to have a husband, etc. I wonder what God is calling me to do and be! Am I suppose to adopt and start my family on my own? Am I suppose to wait; wait for the day that God will bring Mr. Right into my life? So many questions….but not so many answers! 😛 I have been praying about this every day since I began having this conversation in my head. I am definetely not at peace and know that I will be when God shows me the answer to my prayer. However fear plays in to because I wonder how my family etc will feel if God is calling me to this adventure and this calling. For now, I am clinging to the joy I see when friends get married, friends start having families, etc! Joy not fear………..
My good friend Bryant introduced me to a new Christian artist Jason Gray. His words speak so deeply to him. The song “Remind Me Who I Am” is something that I am clinging to. Who am I? Who has God called me to be? Who am I in this world? WHO AM I? Again trying to cling to the joy of who I am rather than to the fear of clinging to Who I am not!
JOY NOT FEAR!!!
Things in life dont always turn out the way we expect them to, do they? Since I was a little girl, I’ve dreamt of being a mommy but it hasnt happened for me yet. Most of that is because I havent found my Mr. Right. There are times when I am hopeful but there are also other times when I’m not sure it will ever happen for me! This past Friday on my day off, I found myself channel surfing and I came across the Dr. Oz show which I normally don’t tune in to watch! Friday’s topic was titled “How old is too old to have a baby?” Needless to say, I was sucked totally in. They had panelists on both sides of the issue. It was interesting to listen to their conversation and see where I found myself. It’s a question that I know many are asking! I know that for some it’s about having a biological child so they try everything they can to have that child; IVF, IUI, etc! I also know families who have been blessed by adoption and foster care! Several friends grew up with foster siblings in their homes. A couple of weeks ago a dear friend texted me because she immediately thought of me when she went to a foster care meeting at their church. There is a huge need for foster parents etc. Now I’m not saying this is something I am ready to jump in and do, but it is a conversation that has been re-playing in my heart and mind.
This weekend I spent some time with some dear seminary friends. Friday night I babysat for both couples so they could go out and have an adult conversation/meal without the kids. It was such a blast being with those kids! Love them to pieces…they are so darn cute!!! Saturday morning all of us girls took some girl time. As we were walking through the store, I mentioned to one of them what the other friend had said to me about me doing foster care etc. Again Im not saying that it’s something Im ready to jump into but it is something that I totally find myself praying about. Where is God leading me? It’s so difficult when your head and your heart are trying to sort it all out. My head is asking all the logistical questions and trying to decide what is the best path for me while my heart is so ready to love (but that’s scary too). There also are so many fears and doubts playing into this conversation as well. So for now, my friends, all I can do is pray, pray, pray, pray!!!
(Hopefully this post makes sense! It’s been rattling around in my head for a little while now but I haven’t been able to write it down until now!)
Have you ever wanted something so badly? I know we all yearn and want things that we can’t have, but then there are things that I think we all yearn for that I wonder if we are meant to have. Tonight as I am typing this, I am watching the show “Private Practice.” On the show, Dr. Montgomery is trying everything she can to have a child of her own. And to be honest, I find myself in her shoes….in my own ways I am Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery. I yearn so much to be a mother and feel totally called to motherhood. And I wonder if that is what is meant for my life. Last week as I watched “Grey’s Anatomy,” I also found myself also feeling like Dr. Meredith Grey. The one thing all these characters have in common is that they are trying to be mothers and that is something I yearn so deeply for. Im not sure why…perhaps its because I have an amazing mother who is the most amazing women despite living with a mental illness all her life. Perhaps its because I love babies so much or because I seem to have that motherly touch. Just a few days ago I was talking to a colleague and her grandkids and they were telling me how the baby doesnt like strangers but instead of crying the baby smiled at me!
A couple of weeks ago my colleague and I had this conversation about if I ever think about being a mom and the possibilities of that happening in today’s society even if I dont find my Mr. Right. Since that day, I have found myself really reflecting on that. And then a friend told me about two single friends who have ventured into motherhood through IVF or through adoption. And then another friend who is married and has two children already told their families news that they are planning to adopt from Bulgaria. Two of my dearest friends from seminary also have adopted. And I find myself asking, Why are people telling me these stories now? Is God trying to tell me something? Is the Holy Spirit working in my life to show me that I can be a mom someday if that is what I so desire? All I know is that whatever God is calling me too….God will walk with me on that journey!
Something has really been on my mind since earlier today. I think part of the reason it’s on my mind is because it truly fits in with my last post and the conversation my colleague and I had. I also think it has been on my mind because of some fb posts I saw this evening. As many of you have probably heard or seen on their show, “19 and Counting,” the Duggars are expecting child #20. Now I am the first to acknowledge and thank God for God’s blessings, but I wonder about their actions. I understand that they feel like they will birth as many children as God will bless them with. But this is where my mind goes balastic and starts asking some pretty serious questions. I know many friends who have struggled to have children. I also have many friends who have struggled but finally had children. And then as a single woman, I still feel called to “motherhood.” In each of these cases, I wonder if God would put these dreams so deeply on our hearts if they weren’t meant to be. Don’t we deserve these blessings as much as the next person? As a single woman, dont I have a right to be blessed with a child if that is what I am feeling called too? (I truly do feel called to “motherhood” and so how do I wait, do I take action, or what?—Im not planning on making any moves NOW but just thinking about what it might mean for my life later on). The last pregnancy the Duggars had resulted in some health issues for the mother Michelle. And their daughter was born premature. So I find myself asking, “Is it safe for her to give birth?” Or is it best to count their blessings and just live their life; why chance it?
Just my thoughts tonight. I hope they arent too disjointed..It’s late and late night blogging and a busy day dont always make a lot of sense! 🙂 Goodnight my friends!
Ive been thinking a lot about something a friend said to me the other day, She said, “I dont think God would put it on your heart if it wasnt meant to be.” It just has me thinking; is that true? What about those people who are older, still single, wanted a family, and didnt get it? Did they yearn for it as deeply as I do? Just makes me wonder!
Enough about that though, this weekend has been absolutely fantastic! Last night I met up with an old college friend who I havent seen in like 10 years. So good to catch up. I also contacted another old friend who I worked at camp with and who is now living in the states again. Her and her husband are expecting their first child and where in town for a baby shower. We were hoping to get together for coffee but the weekend got busy for both of us so we are going to meet up next time she is in town. It would have been fantastic to see her but I know how crazy life can get and it gives me something to look forward too. Then I had a big grand opening show (Im taking on a new little adventure to earn some extra cash) this afternoon and was afraid no one would show. 4 pm came and it was just me and the host so I was bummed but a half hour later an old hs friend showed up and we had so much fun; cooking and catching up. They left about 7pm and my daddy who I havent spoken too in awhile called to chat earlier so I called him back and we had a nice visit. Now Im just settling in to watch the “Secret Life of Bees” on tv.
Other than that, life is grand! As a friend said the other day, “Im too blessed to be stressed.” I need to remind myself of that because I think Im just as guilty as the next person as forgetting to look at how many wonderful blessings in my life! So if you havent heard it from me lately, thank you for being a wonderful blessing in my life!
So earlier today, a friend asked if she could use a pic of me in a collage of bold woman, I told her yes. The crazy thing is I guess I’ve never considered myself as a bold woman. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, bold is defined as “fearless before danger”; “showing or requiring a fearless daring spirit”, or “standing out prominently.” When I look at these definitions, I still don’t see myself as a bold woman. I think of my cousin who is an amazing mother to Jack and Maia who both are now in heaven. She still amazes me to this day. I think of those who struggle with cancer yet still find the blessings in the midst of it. I think of my own mother, sister and others who daily struggle with mental illness. They all exude people who are bold in my eyes. Its pretty amazing that this friend thinks Im a bold woman! I just never would have put myself in that category. I wonder what makes ME a BOLD WOMAN?!?!
Something really hit me the other day…..I said something that I honestly couldn’t believe I was saying out loud. I know how I feel but I often tend not to say much. I don’t want to offend or hurt someone. So heres what happened. Good friends of mine are expecting their first child any day now. Now don’t get me wrong….I am sooooo excited for them!! I can’t wait for them to have their child. They will make awesome parents just like the rest of my friends. The other day a bunch of us got together for a picnic and it was so fun. We played this awesome board game and then decided to call it a night. Many of us had an hour or more to drive to get home. My friend was talking about baby in her stomach and things like that. One of our other friends said something about it weirding her out. And then I uttered these single words, “it makes me sad.” I think I startled her with my response because she didnt expect me to say it. I honestly was surprised that those words were uttered OUT LOUD! I know how I feel. I am so ready to have a family etc but its hard to explain and share with others when they aren’t where Im at. In some ways, it felt good to release those words because it is how I feel when Im not sure if it will ever happen for me. However I dont want to diminish my friends excitement either. I totally am excited for them!!!!!! I just wonder when it will happen for me too! And I find myself wondering why I uttered the words that I did?
I am super excited. Some friends that have been trying for awhile to get pregnant are NOW pregnant! How exciting! I am so happy for them. I must admit my heart sinks everytime I hear that someone else is pregnant not because I am not happy for them because I truly am but rather because Im not at that phase in my life yet. But I did realize something the other day driving home from camp….in my own way I do have my own children. Ok so I have to explain a little. The camp counselors are almost young enough to be my children….mind you I would have been pretty young when I had them…but they mean a lot to me. Some of them I’ve known since they were little. Some of them were my campers and now they are camp counselors. The reality is I am glad that they are in my life and I care deeply about them. I dont want to see them hurting or in pain. Maybe for now that is my mission on this earth to be a caring adult/mentor in someone else’s life until Mr.Right comes into my life!