Tag Archives: Desires of my heart

Advent Waiting

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Have you ever noticed how much of life is about waiting? We wait in the drive thru line at the fast food store. We wait in the waiting room at the doctor and/or dentist’s office.We wait for those we love. We wait for packages and fun snail mail to arrive in the mail. We wait at the airport. The truth is that we actually wait a lot in our lives. Yet, I don’t know about you, but for me, I have a hard time waiting. I can get pretty impatient.

And when it comes to God answering my prayers and/or the desires of my heart, it seems like my patience meter runs even shorter. I want it to be answered right now! Yet God doesn’t answer our prayers or the desires of our heart like that, does God? God has a plan in store for each and every one of us. I am reminded of a Tweet from my blog friend Kaitlyn “God has a very, very good plan. We may not understand it, but that doesn’t make it any less good.” Oh how I need to cling to those words in the waiting!

Sometimes it seems like those plans are coming into place for every one but me. Just a few weeks ago, a camp friend got engaged. I am so excited for her. Her fiance is a single dad so she gains an instant family. Then on Thanksgiving, a good friend was proposed too. My heart and head have a hard time holding my emotions during these joyous occasions because part of me is so excited for them while another part of me feels deflated.

Yet Advent is all about waiting, isn’t it? My friend Susan gifted me an early release copy of Mandy Hale’s book “A Beautiful Uncertainty.” She knew her words were exactly what my soul needed. My favorite chapter is a chapter titled “Advent, Single, and Waiting” Funny thing is that I read that chapter just as Advent was nearing. Because Advent is indeed all about waiting.

As the weeks lead up to Christmas and Jesus’ birth, we find ourselves dwelling in the Word and the peace and holiness of this season. In John chapter one, we read “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being in him was life, and the life was the light of all people. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not overcome it.”–John 1:1-5

We wait for this Word, born of flesh, Emmanuel! Like Mary, we ponder and treasure all these things in our hearts. Like the shepherds, we wait and find the baby Jesus lying in the manger. Like the wise men, we wait and bring the Messiah gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. We wait for this one who is sent into the world to bring hope and peace and joy and will later die on a cross for our sins. We wait because we trust in a God who fulfills God’s promises!

Yes, a God who fulfills God’s promises. Those are important words for us all to cling to and remember especially during this Advent season. Much like we await the birth of Jesus, I find myself waiting and clinging to God’s promises to me. I may not know the day nor the hour but God has a plan for me and each and every one of us. In fact, it may not be the plan I have pictured for myself but it is the plan God has designed specifically for me. And that plan is oh so good!

May we all wait and hold onto the hope of our faithful God who is always ever faithful especially as we wait and watch for this precious baby boy born in a stable in Bethlehem oh so many years ago..this holy child who comes to remind us of God’s love and faithfulness for all God’s people.

I am linking up with these beautiful faith-filled women: Holly at Testimony Tuesday, Kelly and the RaRa Linkup, Jennifer and Tell His Story, and Holley and Coffee for your Heart.


 

Dreaming of My Own “Happily Ever After”

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I am linking up for the Five Minute Friday. The FMF is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Today’s prompt is “Alone.” Write for five minutes; unedited.


I heard the word prompt tonight and so many emotions begin to bubble up inside of me. Next week I will turn 37. I am still single; still yearning yet to be a wife and a momma. It is something that I have always wanted. And I see those around me; friends of all ages in their homes with their families and I can’t help but ask. When will it be my turn? Or am I going to be alone forever?

I come home each night to an empty house. I lay down in my bed no one to cuddle up next to. I often spend my Friday Nights watching a movie or television show alone on my couch.  Sometimes the tears stream down my face. It is not at all how I pictured my life as a 37 year old. I have always imagined my life as a woman with a husband, 2.5 kids, a dog, and a house surrounded by a white picket fence. I have always dreamed of my very own “happily ever after.”

God knows the desires of my heart and hears them. Yet there are days that my loneliness is more prominent and I sometimes question if God hears them at all. I know God does hear them…..but sometimes especially when I am so lonely that is so much easier said than done.

Tears stream down my face. I wonder when it will be my turn. I wonder if I will always be alone. I wonder if I will ever get to be a mom. I wonder if my house will always be so quiet. I wonder when my time will come. I wonder….but then I put all my trust in a God who I know hears the desires of my heart and who knows what my heart holds; a heart that holds the promises of God and knowing  that I am not alone because God walks with me every step of the way and also puts individuals in my path who also walk with me.

Godly Fear

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Fear does have a way of robbing us of our joy, doesn’t it? There are so many things that I fear. Will I ever find my Mr. Right? Will I ever be a mom? Will I be able to make and save enough money to go on that vacation I want to go on? Will my paycheck make it to the next paycheck? (And the list of questions is endless.

I am such a blessed woman. I have a roof over my head. I have a car. I have food and clothing (more clothes than I probably need). I have a wonderful job that I love. I live close enough to my work, that I can walk to work every day. I am blessed to have amazing friends and family. Yet sometimes these wonderful things are overshadowed by the deep dark fears in my life. And, my friends, I don’t want those fears to rob me of my joy!
Yet it is so easy for my joy to be overshadowed by my fears. Just today, I had a moment where I was so worried about something that I found fear and even anger inching its way into my heart and soul.
As I felt that fear and anger boiling up in my body, I was reminded that fear is not of God. In those moments, I hear Jesus saying, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its owns. Today’s trouble is enough for today (Matthew 6:34 NRSV).” (So much easier said than done!)

The truth is that there is Godly fear….but that is a different kind of fear than the fear that barges in and steals all of our joy. It is a fear that reminds us of the power of God’s love and grace. In fact, it is that kind of fear that calls us to be “a voice and not an echo.” It is also that Godly fear that invites us ALL to the table of grace where we are to break bread together. It is that Godly fear that reminds us constantly of who and whose we are!

I don’t know about you, but for me, it is the kind of fear that I need to cling too; a fear that is grounded in God’s grace for God’s people. There are so many days when I question why I fear certain things in my life. Yet the truth is that God calls me to trust in him and to not let my fears overshadow the moments of deep joy in my life. In fact, it is Godly fear that crushes our worldly fears.

As I write this, I find my body exhaling as I cling to the joy I see around me; a picture on Facebook of a friend’s son playing on a slip and slide (pure and utter joy), listening to the birds outside my house as they enjoy the bird feeder in my neighbor’s yard, celebrating friend’s birthdays, reading a book on my patio on a beautiful summer day and the list goes on. It seems to me that when we celebrate and remember the gifts and blessings around us, we are able to let Godly fear extinguish those worldly fears in our lives.

I am not saying that we won’t fear because the truth is we will. We are all human…and fear is indeed a human emotion. Tomorrow I will probably wake up with another fear finding its way into my heart and trying to rob me again of my joy. But the truth is God knows what is in store. God indeed provides. I love how the Message translation translates that verse from Matthew 6: “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes (Matthew 6:34, Eugene Peterson’s The Message Translation).”

Those words are difficult words to hear and I believe, are even harder for us to trust in. Yet the truth is that God is a God who provides. God often doesn’t provide in the ways we would like him to provide, but God still provides. God provides especially when the hard things arise. I have seen this so many times through answered prayers. Sometimes God says, “Not yet” or “Maybe” or “Later”  but God always provides and shows us God’s answer. So today I am choosing to cling to Godly fear, the hope found in answered prayers, and Godly grace.

Today I am linking up with Holly for Testimony Tuesday, Kelly for the RaRa Linkup, Jennifer for Tell His Story, and Holley for Coffee for Your Heart: 


 


How Long, Oh Lord?

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Are you lonely? Are you deeply longing for something?

My friends, I AM! I am longing deeply to be a wife and a mother. I am longing to not come home to an empty house. I am longing for God to answer the God-given desires of my heart. I am longing to hold a sweet little baby in my arms. I am longing for….
Sometimes I feel as if I am the only one longing, but as my friend KA reminded me in a blog comment, there are probably many others who are feeling the same way that I am. There are many of you out there longing for the exact same things I am. And there are others of you longing for other items in your life. KA suggested that I be brave and share this part of my story, so I am. Besides brave is my #oneword365 for 2015 so it seems a fitting place to share this part of my story. And I want you to know, my friends, that if you are longing and lonely, you are not alone. I see you and hear the cries of your heart too.

I am a 36 year old single woman. Ever since I was little, I have wanted to be a mom. I remember sitting on the floor of our house playing “House” with my little sister. I would dress my cabbage patch dolls up in my very own infant clothes waiting for the day that I could dress my real life little one up in those exact same clothes. But those clothes still remain packed away in a storage room at my Dad’s house. 
“Oh how long, oh Lord, how long?”
And there are so many in this stage of my life who are announcing marriage and pregnancy announcements. I am truthfully happy for them. But there is a huge part of me that is sad, who continually aches for these things for myself. I want to put my hand on my pregnant belly and feel my child kick me.  I even crazily want to NOT get a full night’s sleep because my child is awake. (Remind me of that someday when I DO have children!)
“Oh how long, oh Lord, how long?”

But I also realize that God might not answer my desires that way. There are days that I wonder if adoption is the path for me. I know there are so many children in the US and the world who are in need of a family. To be honest, I would love to adopt, but fear is the wall that keeps being put up. I wonder how my family and friends will react. I am frightened for what it would be like to be a single mom working at a church. Yet I know that if being a mom is a God-given desire of my heart, God WILL indeed answer that call.

“Oh how long, Oh Lord, how long?”

If you are like me, my friends, you continually find yourself asking this very question: Oh Lord, how long? I am reminded of the words we hear in Psalm 13; verse one (NRSV) “How Long, Oh Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” I honestly don’t see God hiding his face from me, but I do wonder how long I will have to wait and if those desires will be answered. And I am sure there are others of you who feel the exact same way.

“Will you forget me forever?”

That question is one that continually is on repeat in my mind. I trust in God’s promises for God’s people. Yet it is hard to come home to an empty house and long for something so deeply without seeing that prayer and that desire answered. However I have seen so many other prayers answered. I have seen my friends struggling with fertility issues and then all of a sudden they are announcing a pregnancy announcement. I have seen adoptions completed. But I also have seen the struggles that come with motherhood as well. I have seen my cousin have to lay two children to rest. I have seen many others who have never even gotten to hold their babies. And in the midst of both the joys and the sorrows, God has a way of continually showing up and knowing what we need.

God is a God of promises. But when you continue to ask the question, “How Long, Oh Lord, there are days that is so easy to forget.

God has a funny sense of humor. This morning I was getting ready 
for work listening to my favorite  Pandora station when this song came on. 
These lyrics caught me this morning: “This is for all the single people, Thinkin’ life 
has left them dry. Don’t give up until you drink from the silver cup. You’ll never know until you try.”
And I don’t remember EVER hearing this song before today! 

I am linking up with these lovely writers today: 


 


Meeting Us Where We Are At

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I am linking up for the Five Minute Friday. The FMF is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Today’s prompt is “Meet.” Write for five minutes; unedited.


I have to be up at 5 am tomorrow morning to be at the bus station by 5:30 am. I will be meeting my friend Heather and her husband David. They have been living in Japan for the last several years where Heather was teaching English. They are moving back to the States. We haven’t seen each other in several years so I am excited to see her and her hubby.

As I think about meeting the bus and my friends, I think of the many wonderful ways that I have met friends in my life. They have blessed my life in so many ways and often those friendships have come about because God placed that person in my life. The thing is that God meets us where we are at.

I don’t know about you but I sometimes have a hard time trusting in that promise. Yet the truth is that God is a God of promises and knows our brokenness, our joys, our desires etc. God totally comes and always meets us where we are at. God knows that I yearn so deeply to be a mommy-to-be. And though there are more days than I care to admit that I forget God’s promise, I must remember that God always meets us where we are at. God meets us in the midst of the hard!

I think of my new friend KA and how her, her hubby and some friends are starting a new church. Tonight I asked her if I could pray and she asked me to pray that she would be able to write and memorize a Spoken Word piece for Sunday. I literally stopped and tweeted out a prayer for her in that moment. God met me right there on that phone screen. God knew what KA needed and saw to it that I was able to meet her needs through my prayers lifted up for her.

How often have you too seen God meet you where you are at?

*Lately I have noticed how God often meets me through amazing people. Lately I have also noticed God often shows up in my words…in written poetry, in sharing my story, and even in blog posts. It reminds me of the many ways that God meets me, meets us right where we are at. And I am so thankful that in my own brokenness, in your own brokenness, God comes again and again and meets us continually where we are at.

(And as a total side note, I am thankful for the ways that God has met me through my Write31 Days friends, my #Fmfparty friends and through so many more. I am so thankful that I will get to meet some of you InRl this summer in Nashville since my sister and I will be there for a sisters trip that week before. I never thought this would happen, but obviously God knew, didn’t he?)

*Where the 5 minutes stopped!

Hidden Tears (Five Minute Friday)

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I am linking up for the Five Minute Friday. The FMF is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Today’s prompt is “Hide.” Write for five minutes; unedited.

When I was a teenager, my sister and I babysat for some of our favorite little girls. Their mom and her sister used to babysit for us and then we started babysitting for her kids when she had kids. I remember McKenzie coming to my dad’s house and often wanting to hide behind my sister and I. We couldn’t figure out why she was afraid to go downstairs in our basement. One day it dawned on us that she was afraid of the deer head that our dad had mounted on the wall.

Isn’t it crazy how we want to hide when things are unfamiliar to us? Or how we hide because we don’t want to show that side of ourselves to those around us? As a little girl, I often would shed many tears because of the words that were slung at me; the names that I was called. But the tears always came! I couldn’t hide them from the people that were slinging names at me. In a way, I felt that they were winning because I couldn’t hide those words.

But one of the biggest things that I hid from others was our family’s journey with a mental illness. It took me a very very long time before I brought our story out of hiding. But once I began sharing our story, many other stories came out of hiding too. There is so much power in those two words “me too!” Stories are meant to be shared. They are not meant to be hidden. They reveal a big part of who we are; of who God calls us to be.

*Yet there are still times when it is hard for me to share my story. There are still tears that I want to hide. There are the tears that silently fall from my eyes when I am not sure that God has heard the desires of my heart. There are the tears that I secretly shed when I come home to an empty house and bed. There are the tears that I want to hide because I don’t want the world to see how vulnerable I am. Yet there is something so holy about no longer hiding our tears. There is something healing when we show our tears to each other.

*That is where my five minutes stopped but I had to finish out my thought.

Take Delight

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Last week my friend Anna blogged on the Desires of our Hearts over at the InCourage community. If you didn’t get a chance to read Anna’s post, here is the link: Waiting for the Desires of my Heart.

From that day on, Anna’s words have continued to speak to my heart. I am a 36 year old woman who has always pictured her life ending much like the fairy tail endings of the movies and fairy tales. Yet I am no closer to that desire than I was then. My arms are still empty. I still come home to a dark empty house and an empty bed. Though I am choosing to trust in this one who indeed sees me and knows every desire of my heart; every desire of your heart.

With my empty arms and an empty bed, it is pretty evident to me that I am still waiting on those desires. Yet the truth is that God still sees my empty arms and my empty bed. He knows exactly what those desires are but most especially God sees me and knows my heart! There is so much hope in being seen. I think of Mary who was seen and was chosen to be Jesus’ mother. I think of how Jesus chose Moses and Noah and so many others. They didn’t think they were called but God saw them and called them. God calls us too!

That call comes in so many ways, but I think one of the ways we are called is to see each other; is to see each other’s gifts and share those gifts with the world. There is so much joy in being seen by others. Last Thursday I was so excited to open up my work email and see that Living Lutheran wanted permission to repost one of my blog posts on their website. It totally made my day. Someone had seen me…and thought that what I had to say was ENOUGH!

But the truth is we aren’t always seen. Sometimes (a lot of the time) we continue writing the words on the page but we don’t get the book deal or someone else’s post gets more hits than ours do. The words flow onto the page but there is no end in sight. The words sometimes feel like they are being poured onto the page only to vanish. Our words never vanish in God’s sight. God continually hears and sees the desires of our heart. God continually says, “You are mine. I see you. And I love you.”

Trusting in that promise, I am leaning into God continuing to keep company with him. The Message translation of the Bible translates Psalm 37:4 this way “Keep company with God, get in on the best.”

I am linking up with these awesome amazing writers today. Their words always speak to my heart!

 

A Different Plan (Five Minute Friday)

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I am linking up for the Five Minute Friday. The FMF is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Today’s prompt is “Plan.” Write for five minutes; unedited.

As a little girl, my sister and I spent many hours dressing up our dolls in our own baby clothes; the very clothes that our mom used to dress us up in. There is the faded yellow dress; the very first dress my daddy bought me. We would take those dollies and play house for hours. And as we played house, it was the very plan I had for my life. I was going to find that special man, get married, and have a family of our own. But often life doesn’t end with that “happily ever after” that we always pictured and planned for ourselves.

It is Thursday night and I am sitting in my house alone. The television is on for noise and as my companion for the night. My arms are empty; silently waiting for that special little one to snuggle and care for. My plan; the plan I pictured as a little girl is not the plan that has happened for me.

I still pray that someday God will bring that special man into my life. I’ll still get married and I will still have a family. But this plan is not the plan God has had for my life. I still don’t know what God’s plan is for my life. Maybe it will happen the way I always pictured it. Or maybe I’ll become a mom through foster care or adoption. The truth though is that God indeed does have a plan for me…and God has a plan for you too!

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you; to give you a future with hope.”–Jeremiah 29:11

Throwing My Fears in the Fire

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God has a way of showing up in the most unexpected ways.

I hadn’t checked my blog or my email for a few days last week since I was attending the ELCA Youth Ministry Network Extravaganza. I wanted my time in Detroit to be dedicated to spending quality time with old and new friends alike.

But one afternoon during a break, I decided to take a quick peak at my blog. I noticed that I had a comment on one of my posts where the individual asked me to email him. So on my way home from the E, I sent him a quick email. The man that emailed me was Cameron Von St. James. Cameron had stumbled upon my blog and asked if I would participate in sharing about his and his wife Heather’s journey as well as share about Lung Leavin Day.

In his email Cameron wrote, “Nine years ago, my wife Heather was diagnosed with mesothelioma; a rare cancer caused by exposure to asbestos. Heather had just given birth to our daughter, and during the most exciting time in our lives, she was given just 15 months to live. After surgery to remove her left lung, Heather began her journey towards survival, and Lung Leavin’ Day was born.”

He then continues with, “This year (Feb 2nd) will be the 9th Lung Leavin’ Day celebration! The purpose of this holiday is to encourage others to face their fears. Each year, we gather around a fire in our backyard with our friends and family, write our biggest fears on a plate and smash them into the fire. We celebrate for those who are no longer with us, for those who continue to fight, for those who are currently going through a tough time in their life, and most importantly, we celebrate life!” (Learn more here: Throw Your Fears to the Fire!)

Cameron asked me to write about my fears, to write it on a virtual plate and then to smash it in the fire with them. As many of you know my #oneword365 for 2015 is “brave” and when I read Cameron’s email, I knew this was a perfect opportunity for me to be “brave.”

My fingers danced across the keyboard as I typed on the plate on their interactive page. I typed the words “I am afraid I will never be a mom.” Yep…there I said it! In fact I literally wrote those words on my interactive plate.  I even went back and typed more words on a second plate that read “beginning the adoption journey.” I so deeply yearn to be a mom and there are days I am afraid that God doesn’t hear my pleas. I am afraid that these dreams will never come true for me. Yet adoption and/or foster care are two things that I have been praying about and have given completely over to God.

Today I am choosing to follow Heather and Cameron’s examples, I am choosing to write down those fears and to throw them into the fire. I’ll admit it feels good to write them down and give them wholeheartedly over to God. I am not sure what God has in store for me, but I do know that God will help me overcome these fears. I know that God will give me the strength to journey trusting in him as he holds my heart.

I have so many friends who continually remind me that I will be an awesome mom. They also don’t think God would give me these deep yearnings if it wasn’t going to happen for me. Yet it is something that still scares me. I want to find my Mr. Right and be a Mom so deeply. (Anyone who knows me knows I love every chance I get to hold a baby.)

So I’m throwing my fears into the hot fire and am leaning into God as God holds my heart

Fallon, Kidman, and Clooney

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Earlier this past week, Jimmy Fallon had Nicole Kidman as a guest on his show. The whole piece was about how he blew a chance to date her. If you haven’t watched this, you must watch THIS! (So funny! It totally is worth it to watch the full nine minutes)

And then later this week, a friend introduced me to a piece by Annie Downs. Annie’s post was totally a post that touched my heart. (Thanks for leading me to it KA!) Annie talks about how God hears us. God sees us. You can read Annie’s post here: What I Learned about God from Nicole and Jimmy

Then tonight another celebrity reminded me that it’s never too late. George Clooney got up to accept his Cecille B DeMille Lifetime achievement award. He was talking about how everyone in the room is a winner. But then he got kind of teary eyed and talked about how incredible it is to find someone to love. He then proceeded to say “especially when you have waited 53 years for that someone to love.” George’s words reminded me that God does hear our every desire and our every word. Yet that is so easy to forget sometimes especially when you ache and yearn for something SO DEEPLY!!!

And this week it was three celebrities who reminded me again that God DOES hear me. God DOES know every  desire of my heart. And sometimes God needs to send simple reminders through people I see every day but also sometimes through simple conversations from people who I love to watch on the big screen.

Thank you to George, Jimmy, and Nicole for reminding me that life is a roller coaster and sometimes you miss the opportunity if you don’t get on the ride. But most of all for reminding me that it is never to late to find that special someone to love. So I am continuing to choose to be brave and to trust in this one who indeed HEARS me!