Tag Archives: adoption

A Year of Brave

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Here I sit…the last day of December and the last day of this year 2015. And the last day of living out my One Word 365 “brave” for the year. As I look back over the year, I am reminded of how God showed me this word and shaped me in it. In fact, I can say that like the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz, I am braver than I think I am!

To refresh our memories, the word “brave” is defined, according to Mirriam Webster’s dictionary, as “having or showing courage,” or “making a fine show” (Adjective) And then as a verb, it means “to face or endure with courage” or “obsolete; to make showy.” The word brave also is a noun “one who is brave.”

So what does it mean to show courage? As I look back, I see courage and being brave in continuing to share our story of mental illness. I haven’t always seen it as being brave. But my friend Mary commented one day, “Your brave is in telling your story.” Her words caused me to stop and reflect on Brene Brown’s words “The bravest thing you’ll ever do is share your story.” That is so true. The bravest thing any of us will ever do is share our stories.

BRAVE!!

Brave sometimes looks like caring for an aging parent. My sister and I care for our mom as her legal guardians. We entrust her care to the nursing home she lives at but we are responsible for the big decisions. This summer we made some tough decisions yet again. We never imagined that at such young ages we would be the caregiver for a parent. But we are!

BRAVE!!

Still yearning deeply for God to answer the desires of my heart, I often…(read almost always)…don’t feel so courageous or brave. Yet what I’ve come to realize especially this year is that it is brave. As Miss Mandy Hales writes, “It’s about the beautiful uncertainty of it all!” Yes, it is brave to trust in God and the beautiful uncertainty of my life. And in that beautiful uncertainty, I realize that it is brave to hear Gods’s voice calling me to unchartered waters for myself. Yet being able to hear that call is brave and causes me to write down brave words like this Post. Is my brave being called to “foster and/or adoption?”

BRAVE!!

In my one word post last year, I wrote about the cowardly lion. You know a year of living brave has shown me that perhaps we aren’t so different after all. A year of living brave looks different for each and every one of us. Yet God gives us the courage and shows each one of us to be brave.

I’m reminded of these very words I wrote last January “I don’t need a medal. However I’ll admit that it would be pretty cool to own my very own medal! I need to show courage. I am not sure what that might look like. But I do hope that I am able to parade with courage; with bravery. As a single 36 year old female, I am tired of waiting for my Mr. Right. I am weary. I yearn so deeply to be a momma. Perhaps being brave for me will mean looking at other options; adoption, etc. I have no idea where this word will lead me in 2015 but I do know that it will shape me and who I am. And I will continue to pray for the ways that God might shape me as I live into this word this year.”

God did that very thing. God showed me my brave and continues to show it to me earn and every day. Brave is doing things even when we are afraid to do them. Brave is being able to see the fate within each and every one of us. Brave is surrendering fully and 100% trusting in the beautiful uncertainty of life!

“Haven’t I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don’t be timid; don’t get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take.”–Joshua 1:9 (The Message)

“And that though I am flawed, God is loving me and refining me and reminding me that God in me is where I can place my trust. And that is the place where I find my courage.” (Learning to Be Brave; Annie F. Downs; P.37)

(As my year of brave comes to an end, let’s jam out to this years theme song one last time!)

Linking up with Emily P. Freeman

Unmasked Series

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Unmasked: The Journey from Surviving to Thriving is a book that was recently released by my blog friend Bethany Boring. Bethany and I initially met on each other’s blogs and then we began catching each other’s Periscopes. Today I am sharing one of my Unmasked stories over at Bethany’s place.

“Those words open many fairy tales, but our lives are not all fairy tales, are they? They don’t all end with “happily ever after.” Read the rest of the story Here!

There in a Baby’s Cry!

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This post is dedicated to all of my friends who have struggled to become parents. I am so thankful that God’s grace blessed each and every one of you. You know who you are!

Yesterday, when I posted Matt Redman’s song “Your Grace Finds Me,” the lyrics in the first verse really jumped out at me. “It’s there in the newborn cry.” I have heard that song many, many, many times but for some reason, yesterday those words especially jumped out at me. I think it is because I have indeed seen God’s grace come through a newborn baby’s cry or a toddler’s first words.

A dear camp friend and her husband gave birth to a daughter seven years ago. They have been trying to get pregnant ever since. Their hopes would get high and then they would be dashed by experiencing yet another miscarriage.  My heart broke for them. But then, this last year, they finally got pregnant. I remember family pictures they took that said “For this child we have prayed.” Indeed they had prayed. Little Miss Amelia was born into this world this past August. The minute I met her and held her in my arms, I was so very thankful that God hears our cries and that God’s grace is given to us freely.

Sometimes, God’s grace doesn’t come in the ways we expect it either. I think of my dear cousin who is mother to two children who are both with Jesus in heaven. I cannot understand why she would be blessed by these children to have them taken away from her. Yet in the midst of her grief, I have seen my cousin make a difference by talking and supporting other families who have experienced loss. I have also seen my cousin blessed in so many other ways too.

I also think of a college friend and her family. Several years ago, they decided to adopt. I have prayed with and beside them. I remember a couple of Lents ago when I was praying through my Facebook friend’s list when she had asked me to pray. I prayed. And literally days later, she messaged me to let me know they had gotten a call from their adoption agency. My friend and her husband flew to Bulgaria to meet their new daughter where she was living in an orphanage. God indeed orchestrated this family reunion. The minute my friend saw her daughter, she smiled. They both are graced with beautifully flowing tight curls. It has indeed been a difficult journey for my friend, her husband, and their boys because their daughter has had her struggles. But the gift of God’s grace is that she is continuing to grow and thrive as part of her family.

These are only some of the stories of God’s grace being met through a newborn baby’s cry or through a toddler’s first words. There are so many other stories I could share with; the story of my seminary classmates and friends who got pregnant and adopted in the same year. Each of these stories is filled with the beauty and gift of God’s grace in our lives. God’s grace always finds us. God’s grace is “there in the darkest night of the soul and it is there in the sweetest songs of victory.”

In fact, as I type these words, tears are streaming down my face as I am reminded of the amazing beauty and elegance of God’s grace that is freely given to each and every one of us. God places it on the table for us to receive. Sometimes it just takes a while for God to place it into our own hands or for us to see it sitting upon the table of grace. (Perhaps I should listen to my own words here! It is a truth I know…but in the words of my friend Karrilee, sometimes I forget!)

Click Here to Head to My 31 Days Landing Page

How Long, Oh Lord?

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Are you lonely? Are you deeply longing for something?

My friends, I AM! I am longing deeply to be a wife and a mother. I am longing to not come home to an empty house. I am longing for God to answer the God-given desires of my heart. I am longing to hold a sweet little baby in my arms. I am longing for….
Sometimes I feel as if I am the only one longing, but as my friend KA reminded me in a blog comment, there are probably many others who are feeling the same way that I am. There are many of you out there longing for the exact same things I am. And there are others of you longing for other items in your life. KA suggested that I be brave and share this part of my story, so I am. Besides brave is my #oneword365 for 2015 so it seems a fitting place to share this part of my story. And I want you to know, my friends, that if you are longing and lonely, you are not alone. I see you and hear the cries of your heart too.

I am a 36 year old single woman. Ever since I was little, I have wanted to be a mom. I remember sitting on the floor of our house playing “House” with my little sister. I would dress my cabbage patch dolls up in my very own infant clothes waiting for the day that I could dress my real life little one up in those exact same clothes. But those clothes still remain packed away in a storage room at my Dad’s house. 
“Oh how long, oh Lord, how long?”
And there are so many in this stage of my life who are announcing marriage and pregnancy announcements. I am truthfully happy for them. But there is a huge part of me that is sad, who continually aches for these things for myself. I want to put my hand on my pregnant belly and feel my child kick me.  I even crazily want to NOT get a full night’s sleep because my child is awake. (Remind me of that someday when I DO have children!)
“Oh how long, oh Lord, how long?”

But I also realize that God might not answer my desires that way. There are days that I wonder if adoption is the path for me. I know there are so many children in the US and the world who are in need of a family. To be honest, I would love to adopt, but fear is the wall that keeps being put up. I wonder how my family and friends will react. I am frightened for what it would be like to be a single mom working at a church. Yet I know that if being a mom is a God-given desire of my heart, God WILL indeed answer that call.

“Oh how long, Oh Lord, how long?”

If you are like me, my friends, you continually find yourself asking this very question: Oh Lord, how long? I am reminded of the words we hear in Psalm 13; verse one (NRSV) “How Long, Oh Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” I honestly don’t see God hiding his face from me, but I do wonder how long I will have to wait and if those desires will be answered. And I am sure there are others of you who feel the exact same way.

“Will you forget me forever?”

That question is one that continually is on repeat in my mind. I trust in God’s promises for God’s people. Yet it is hard to come home to an empty house and long for something so deeply without seeing that prayer and that desire answered. However I have seen so many other prayers answered. I have seen my friends struggling with fertility issues and then all of a sudden they are announcing a pregnancy announcement. I have seen adoptions completed. But I also have seen the struggles that come with motherhood as well. I have seen my cousin have to lay two children to rest. I have seen many others who have never even gotten to hold their babies. And in the midst of both the joys and the sorrows, God has a way of continually showing up and knowing what we need.

God is a God of promises. But when you continue to ask the question, “How Long, Oh Lord, there are days that is so easy to forget.

God has a funny sense of humor. This morning I was getting ready 
for work listening to my favorite  Pandora station when this song came on. 
These lyrics caught me this morning: “This is for all the single people, Thinkin’ life 
has left them dry. Don’t give up until you drink from the silver cup. You’ll never know until you try.”
And I don’t remember EVER hearing this song before today! 

I am linking up with these lovely writers today: 


 


Let’s Be Real! (Five Minute Friday)

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I am linking up for the Five Minute Friday. The FMF is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Today’s prompt is “Real” Write for five minutes; unedited.

Yesterday I wrote a post about how there is a book currently wrecking my soul…in a fantastic way. That book is Annie F Down’s book “Let’s All Be Brave.” I cannot stop highlighting in the book and cannot put it down. I think it is wrecking my soul, my friends, because it is reminding me to be “real” with the world around me, with my friends, but most especially with myself.

So I am choosing to be even more real with you tonight, my friends. Anyone who reads this here blog knows my deep desire to be a mom and a wife. But I have come to the realization that God may have a different plan for me. God knows what that plan is. Maybe I am suppose to be a mom by venturing into being a foster mom or adopting a child.

Yep, my friends, I just said it. There is a real part of me especially now as I read Annie’s book that thinks that my bravery might indeed include being a mom through foster care or adoption. A quote spoke to me the other day on Facebook. It said, “Adoption is the visible Gospel.” Wow! What incredible words! God has a real plan for me!

Let’s be real friends! I don’t know exactly where this journey will lead me. But I do know that God is with me on this journey. And God has given me the real strength to be brave.

And God has given you each that real strength too!

Throwing My Fears in the Fire

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God has a way of showing up in the most unexpected ways.

I hadn’t checked my blog or my email for a few days last week since I was attending the ELCA Youth Ministry Network Extravaganza. I wanted my time in Detroit to be dedicated to spending quality time with old and new friends alike.

But one afternoon during a break, I decided to take a quick peak at my blog. I noticed that I had a comment on one of my posts where the individual asked me to email him. So on my way home from the E, I sent him a quick email. The man that emailed me was Cameron Von St. James. Cameron had stumbled upon my blog and asked if I would participate in sharing about his and his wife Heather’s journey as well as share about Lung Leavin Day.

In his email Cameron wrote, “Nine years ago, my wife Heather was diagnosed with mesothelioma; a rare cancer caused by exposure to asbestos. Heather had just given birth to our daughter, and during the most exciting time in our lives, she was given just 15 months to live. After surgery to remove her left lung, Heather began her journey towards survival, and Lung Leavin’ Day was born.”

He then continues with, “This year (Feb 2nd) will be the 9th Lung Leavin’ Day celebration! The purpose of this holiday is to encourage others to face their fears. Each year, we gather around a fire in our backyard with our friends and family, write our biggest fears on a plate and smash them into the fire. We celebrate for those who are no longer with us, for those who continue to fight, for those who are currently going through a tough time in their life, and most importantly, we celebrate life!” (Learn more here: Throw Your Fears to the Fire!)

Cameron asked me to write about my fears, to write it on a virtual plate and then to smash it in the fire with them. As many of you know my #oneword365 for 2015 is “brave” and when I read Cameron’s email, I knew this was a perfect opportunity for me to be “brave.”

My fingers danced across the keyboard as I typed on the plate on their interactive page. I typed the words “I am afraid I will never be a mom.” Yep…there I said it! In fact I literally wrote those words on my interactive plate.  I even went back and typed more words on a second plate that read “beginning the adoption journey.” I so deeply yearn to be a mom and there are days I am afraid that God doesn’t hear my pleas. I am afraid that these dreams will never come true for me. Yet adoption and/or foster care are two things that I have been praying about and have given completely over to God.

Today I am choosing to follow Heather and Cameron’s examples, I am choosing to write down those fears and to throw them into the fire. I’ll admit it feels good to write them down and give them wholeheartedly over to God. I am not sure what God has in store for me, but I do know that God will help me overcome these fears. I know that God will give me the strength to journey trusting in him as he holds my heart.

I have so many friends who continually remind me that I will be an awesome mom. They also don’t think God would give me these deep yearnings if it wasn’t going to happen for me. Yet it is something that still scares me. I want to find my Mr. Right and be a Mom so deeply. (Anyone who knows me knows I love every chance I get to hold a baby.)

So I’m throwing my fears into the hot fire and am leaning into God as God holds my heart

Yes, No or Wait!!

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Jesus will hold your heart.

These words shared with me by my friend DB are echoing in my heart, head and mind as I wonder what God is calling me to.

Am I going to meet my Mr. Right? Am I suppose to adopt?
Or do foster care?

Really I have more questions than answers these days.

I know that God hears my every prayer. But as a friend reminded me, God often says Yes, No or Wait!!

What, wait? God doesn’t always give an answer all the time. I know that but sometimes that is so hard to hear especially when you are waiting for God to answer your prayer. I want an answer other than simply wait.

Here I Am Lord, Send Me!

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I am linking up for the Five Minute Friday. The FMF is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Today’s prompt is “Send.” Write for five minutes; unedited.

“Here I am Lord, Send Me!”

Do we truly believe these words? Or do we run and hide as we say them for ourselves? Yet there is such a gift in trusting in the call to be one of God’s disciples in the world.

Earlier this week, I shared about the 5th anniversary of the Haiti earthquake and the death of my camp friend Renee’s husband Ben. Ben, Renee, and Ben’s cousin Jon were in Haiti because they had been sent their to help teach about the Lutheran church there. They were staying and volunteering at St. Josephs School for Boys when the earthquake hit. Renee and Jon somehow were able to get out of the rubble but Ben breathed his last breaths as it was believed he sang the words “God’s peace to us we pray.” Today Jon and Renee are married and both serving as Pastors. In fact, they are expecting their first child any day now.

“Here I am Lord, Send Me!”

My friend Nicole and her husband Rob were sent to Bulgaria last year to pick up their newly adopted daughter. This adoption process began over three years ago, but now their daughter is at home with them. What if they hadn’t heard the words proclaimed to them to be E’s family…

“Here I am Lord, Send Me!”

Being sent to seminary, starting my last call, leaving that call and starting this new call….were all times when I was afraid to take the next step. Yet God kept urging me to say those words and to trust him fully in saying them…

“Here I am Lord, Send Me!”

God continually calls us to be God’s Servants in the world.
God calls me…God calls YOU!

“Here I am Lord, Send Me!”
“Here we are Lord, Send Us!”

“That They All May Be One”

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Anytime I drive from Moorhead into Fargo or go home to Ashley for a holiday or vacation, I see a “Welcome to MN” sign as I take the first exit into Moorhead and to my apartment. For the most part, it is something that I know is there but don’t really pay that close of attention to it. However it was different this afternoon. Right as I was leaving work to go to Zumba, I saw that Minnesota passed the Freedom to Marry bill.(I’ll be honest I was ecstatic. I know not everyone feels that way but that was how I was feeling.) On my way home from Zumba, I came to my exit and saw that sign again. Yet today it was different. Today my heart was happy. Today I knew that those words were true…..more true than they had been an hour ago or even 24 hours or 6 years ago.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I turned onto that exit leading me home. Tears welling up for my dear friend L and her wife M and their beautiful son L. He has always been both of theirs and always will be. However because their marriage wasn’t legal, they could run into all sorts of obstacles. Because L didn’t carry their son, she had to legally adopt him. Today though they are and will truly be a family in the eyes of the law. What a beautiful step. I think of the members of their church family who stood with them today at the Capitol grounds. For them, there is and never will be a line between who is and who is out!

I think of my friend J who is going to marry his sweetheart next month in R’s home state. I met J after he graduated seminary and through mutual aquantances of both of ours. I’ve always respected and admired J for being honest with who he is. I mean that in the best possible light. What has saddened me throughout this whole journey is that J has been able to marry many others but has never been able to legally marry himself. There is just something totally not right with that picture. He deserves to marry as much as you and I do. Today J and R can now both get married in their home states.

I think of the many others who now will be able to legally be a family. I don’t know what Jesus will say when we all get to heaven, but what I do know is Jesus always chose love. Jesus was always the one crossing the line onto the other side. Yet I know there are people hurting tonight because of this decision…people who don’t understand. I keep coming back to Jesus’ words to his disciples that night in the upper room…”that they all may be one.” Jesus spoke these words to his disciples that last night in the upper room even though they were far from being one themselves. Today I’m proud to be a Minnesotan but I know that there are those who do not agree with this decision. In the end and despite our disagreements, may peace prevail…

So tonight as we lay our heads down for the night, may we pray for all….for all God’s people…for the people on both sides of the line…may we pray that peace; God’s peace will always prevail!

What’s Up Holy Spirit?

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For awhile now, I have been praying and contemplating about a topic that is extremely dear to my heart. Those who know me well know that I deeply yearn to have a family and to be a mom. It’s something I have dreamed about and wanted for a really long time now. In September, I will celebrate my 34th birthday. I know 34 isn’t that old but for me it means yet another year has passed where I haven’t found my Mr. Right and haven’t been able to start my family. My biological clock is absolutely 100% ticking! And as that clock ticks, I find myself praying and trying to figure out what God is calling me to do!

Several months ago a dear friend texted me after a foster care meeting at her church. She immediately thought of me. I was humbled by the fact that she thought of me. There was (and I believe still is) such a need. She thought I would be a perfect match. Her comment opened my heart to praying about it. Around the same time, another dear friend and her family announced that they were beginning an adoption journey. And also at that same time, a colleague and I began to talk about it as well. This colleague was very up front and reminded me that society is different now and I don’t have to find my Mr. Right in order for my dream of being a mom to come true. The first friend who brought this up confirmed this when she told me about journeys of two of her single friends: one who is adopting and another who was doing IVF and had just found out she was pregnant. Then I visited with another friend who happens to be parent support foster care. In the midst of all of these stories and reminders of adoption, I found myself blogging and praying, praying, praying. The blogging and prayer allowed me to put it all into God’s hands!

I hadn’t really thought about it much lately. And then again tonight, a friend messaged me and was like,”Have you ever thought about foster care or foster adoption!? Inside I found myself laughing while on the outside, I was like, “Ok Holy Spirit are you trying to tell me something? Is this a sign from God?.” My friend and I chatted for a little while about. She shared two blogs about adoption with me. I found myself reading their stories. And once again wondering what God is telling me! Is God trying to tell me something?

I’m not sure what my journey holds but what I do know is there are a lot of fears and unanswered questions. But then I also believe there are going to be many joys and possibly even peace if God is calling me to follow on this journey. I am thankful for friends who tell me how AMAZING of a mother I will be! I am thankful for this blog and my faithful readers who allow me to be honest and flesh this all out. But mostly I am thankful for a God who I can trust in and who will show me the way; who will let me know what God is calling me to do!