Im linking up for the Five Minute Friday. Today’s prompt is “Fake.” Write for five minutes; unedited.

It wasn’t a fake out last week. I really am back. I’ve missed so many of you who have become such dear friends to me here in this place. But let’s move onto what I’m really here to write about this week.

Have you ever made friends that you just clicked with and you wondered why God brought them into your life? I’ve been so blessed and then I’ve had friendships that have just ended. I’ve often found myself questioning why? But then I’m reminded of the quote: “Friends come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.” Remembering these words I’ve learned to be grateful for those friends who’ve come my way.

I’m not saying it’s easy because it’s not. Tears have been shed as I’ve grieved some of these friendships. But I truly believe those friends that are meant for forever are the real ones sent by the one true God. That’s a promise that I can cling to.

I’ll bet you are doing a double take…yes I’m here. I’ve missed you all and am excited to be back in this space. I’m dipping my toes in the water and am linking up for the Five Minute Friday. Today’s prompt is “Doubt.” Write for five minutes; unedited.

Fear often takes a hold of us and paralyzes us. It’s hard to get out from the arm hold of fear. I think doubt is a lot like fear. We get caught up in its grips and can’t let go.

Have you ever doubted yourself? Doubted that you make a difference? Doubted that your words matter. I’ll be honest I think I stopped writing here in this space because I doubted that my words were making an impact. Doubted that I have something of value to say. But I’m not letting doubt win, my words matter. Your words matter.

Words have taught me what it means to speak truth. Words have given me my voice. Words have helped me to grow as I’ve finally claimed my enoughness; my worthiness. Words are so much a part of who God created me to be.

I went live on TikTok earlier this evening. Several friends stopped by and we had such a great conversation about my growth journey.

When I look back on the last year, I see a changed woman. A woman who has grown in so many ways. In fact, I don’t even recognize the woman I see when I look back on videos and photos from a year ago. One of my friends suggested making a year of Tara calendar because the changes are visible from month to month.

I’ve met so many incredible people this year and they’ve been such gifts to me. I love showing them that love and kindness on their birthdays. I want them to see what I see in each of them. Three weeks from Friday is my 43rd birthday. It feels like such a different birthday for me. Two friends called it my “rebirth birthday.” I love that…because it does feel a little like a rebirth.

And as I look forward to this rebirth birthday, I know that I’ll have to have a box of Kleenex at the ready. Tears will fall at the amount of love and kindness my friends show me daily, but especially I believe will show me that day. A rebirth of a woman who finally sees herself as the queen God created her to be.

I offer the world love and kindness in the little acts I do daily. Today my friends commented on how I always support them. Another friend pointed out how I show kindness daily and I don’t even see it. I guess that’s true…I don’t always see it. It feels like such a simple thing to me.

Yet it’s because of the love and kindness they have shown me, that lotus flower has blossomed into who she is today. A woman who is making daily changes. A woman who finally sees her own beauty. Or at least, she’s starting too. A woman who is truly happy.

In the words from my last blog post, I’ve been changed for the good. I am a changed woman who is straightening her crown and spreading love and kindness to the world. Thank You for loving me my friends!

I’ve been doing lots of reflecting over the past four months. And I’m blown away by the incredible individuals I’ve met through a social media app. When I joined TikTok, I never thought that my life would become so much richer because of a group of new friends. As a deacon, one of my calls is to seek out those places outside the church where I can share God’s love with the world. But in all actuality, I think these friends in a sense sought me out.

The woman that is standing here today is a different woman than even a few months ago. She is understanding more and more who she is. She is a woman whose heart is true. She is a woman who adds value to her friends lives. She is a woman who is slowly beginning to see what everyone else has seen from the very beginning. I can’t wait to see where this road takes me because I’m beginning to believe and trust that there is an incredible road ahead for me.

Now don’t get me wrong, this journey has been difficult, hard and even painful at times. But what I’ve come to realize is that those times were the swift kick in the pants that I needed. Sometimes we need individuals who will tell us the honest truth and show us the road ahead. 

When I traveled to Vegas last month, there was so much fear in my body. Would they like me? Would I be who they expected? Yet I still made that trip and I’m forever grateful. I quickly learned that these were my people. They saw me for me and never questioned that. In fact, for me, Vegas was a giant step in my personal growth journey. There are so many moments I’ll treasure: physically hugging these friends,  intimate one on one conversations, dancing the cupid shuffle with my dear friend Matt at the cocktail party, and so many other moments along the way. Vegas brought me way out of my comfort zone. 

I’m not sure what I ever did to deserve these friends, but I think it has to do a little with what I offer this world: my kindness, my gift with words, my care for others, and my deep love of my friends and family. It’s taking me awhile to get there but every day I begin to see more and more clearly. To be honest, I think for the longest time I’ve always sought validation from those around me. And there are days that I still struggle to seek out that validation. What I’ve come to realize is that my duty is to continue to trust in these friendships. 

And I’m trusting more and more every day. For a long time, I feared that my friends would leave me in the dust. Yet that fear is slowly beginning to dissipate. Instead my heart is full of a joy and happiness I haven’t felt in a really long time. These friends show me daily how loved and valued I am. On Sunday night, my friend Matt surprised me with a gift: a Starbucks mug from Nevada to add to my collection. That act of kindness reminded me that I am valued and also that I’m an idiot for ever doubting that.

I am so grateful for each and every one of these friends. They add such value to my life. I came across this quote and it encapsulates how I feel: “Some people arrive and make such a beautiful impact on your life, you can barely remember what life was like without them.” In the words of the song “For Good,” from the musical Wicked, “I’ve been changed for the good by you.”

I don’t remember what life was like without you and I don’t ever want to remember what it was like before you graced my life with your friendships. I treasure each of you more that words can say. I love you all tons! 

Sorry again friends that I’ve been MIA. Life has just been busy! And I need to get back into a routine! The weekly Five Minute Friday word prompt for this week is “remedy.”

This past year was a difficult year. There was so much we tried to do to care for ourselves and our neighbors. But for most of us, it was a really difficult year. We yearned for physical touch. We yearned for people. I think for many of us, we were lonelier than we realized.

About a year ago, I joined TikTok on a whim. I was hoping to have some fun and post some videos. Little did I know that my paths would cross with the most incredible group of humans. And those humans have blessed me in more ways than I can count.

And then a long came an opportunity! A meet up in Las Vegas for TikTok creators. Due to CoVid, I wasn’t going to go. But after my second vaccination, I realized that the best remedy for my mental health was to go on this trip. So I purchased my ticket. I knew that I would wear my mask when I needed to and being vaccinated gave me some peace of mind.

That trip validated me in so many ways. I have never felt as loved as I did that weekend. And that love continues to be shared with me every single day. I’m so thankful for these root friendships in my life. They have been the remedy to finding more joy and happiness!

I’ve been telling my friends that they are going to have to start investing in Kleenex because they have brought me so many happy joyful tears lately. It is hard to even encapsulate into words, but this blog post is my attempt to do just that.

The story begins on Tik Tok of all places…yes I said Tik Tok! I met this amazing group of beautiful humans who are all about spreading love and positivity. One of the very first people I met on Tik Tok was a guy that goes by the handle @the_shoe_fits; my friend Dan. This incredible human has become one of my dearest friends and has taught me so much about sharing kindness and love with others.

This friend began something we call the love rally. It began with his idea. We are a bunch of creators who every two weeks go and love slap other creators. Slap stands for spreading love and positivity. It is so much fun and we often come into lives of those who really need to be uplifted that day. I have always participated but it wasn’t until about three months ago that I joined the crew officially. Little did I know what these people would bring to my life.

In the last three months, there have been changes happening within myself. As my friend Leonard says “the biggest glow up in all of Tik Tok!” This butterfly is beginning to emerge from her cocoon; spreading her own wings. It amazes me every day that I am not the same woman I was six months ago even.

On Saturday, my friend Matt posted a video saying how incredibly proud he was of me and to spend time remembering where I have come from and where I am going. That video made me bawl! And that was just the beginning of the onslaught of love that would be thrown my way over a course of about 72 hours. I think I counted at least nine videos where I was tagged. It was and continues to be so overwhelming.

These humans keep seeing me blossom (which funny thing: that is my 2021 word of the year). They see a potential in me that I don’t think I even saw in myself until they began to see it. They are showing me the power of my own light and I am so incredibly grateful..

Yes, there is still work to do but I know that I can do it with this incredible group of humans cheering me on. The walls are beginning to crumble around me. I am trusting in them now more than I ever have. I know that when it gets dark, they will show me the light or offer me a hand to grab hold of.

And because of them, I am learning to take care of me; to bring about my own happiness. This woman who has never worn makeup is now wearing it daily. There is light and joy back in my face and eyes. The smile keeps getting brighter and brighter. My confidence is growing and so many others are seeing it too (I’ve gotten at least two messages today asking me what I am doing differently because it looks good on me!)

I am basking in this unconditional love and trying not to let go of it because I am so excited to see what the future holds now. My heart is full. My cup is running over. And I am so ready to see what is in store next. But not without saying the biggest thank you to my love rally family. You have made this woman see and value her own worth. You have made her realize the gifts she has of caring for others through kindness and compassion. You have made her stronger. You have made her, most of all, not feel alone!

Thank you beautiful humans! I love you all so much! You are stuck with me for ever and always!

Sorry again friends that I’ve been MIA. Life has just been busy! The weekly Five Minute Friday word prompt for this week is “green.”

The eyeshadow brush moves across my eyelids. The purple eyeshadow begins to bring out the green in my eyes. I’ve never been much of a makeup girl until a few months ago. At 42 years old, I’m finally beginning to see my own worth; to see that I deserve love and to be loved. But most of all, I must love and care for me.

In the last three months, I’ve begun to blossom. I’m a woman who is finding her voice. A voice that’s always been there but now it is more confident; more solid. My voice isn’t as shaky when I speak my truths.

This morning, I was reminded of how far I’ve come and how bright my future looks. A dear friend posted a video on Tik Tok sharing how proud he is of me. Sitting on my couch, wearing my green love over hate tshirt, tears fell from my eyes as I realized how proud I should be of myself. I’m putting in the work and I’ve come a long way!

I’m excited to see what comes next!

“The bravest thing you’ll ever do is tell your story!”-Brene Brown
If you’ve been around here for awhile, you know this is one of my favorite quotes. It took me over 16 years to tell my families mental health story. I am the daughter of a woman who daily lives and struggles with a mental illness.

In my 42 years on this earth, I’ve always cared deeply and taken care of others in my life. In a lot of ways, I’ve just gone through the motions. Then the year 2018 hit and I experienced some of the most profound grief I’ve felt in ages: nine family/friends lost to death. I was paralyzed by my grief yet I keep moving forward: most days in a fog.

I did a lot of work that next year to move myself out of that grief. And I did find my way out of it. However, that grief still was unknowingly clinging to me. I’ve been moving through life at half speed or less than half speed. There are so many dreams I want to fulfill but I’ve procrastinated for so long. Today I’m choosing to move forward.

The last year (2020) has taught me that I’m more resilient than I give myself credit for. And the last month, my world has been blessed by an amazing crew in Tik Tok. Their words have cracked open the facid I’ve been living and I am emerging as a beautiful butterfly who is slowly gaining her wings to fly at full strength.

I look at my phone screen and I see a new woman or perhaps not a new woman but the same woman that’s always been underneath the shell of grief and fear, she just needed to be cracked open.

The world is beginning to see a woman who is now more confident than she’s ever been. The world is seeing a woman that so many have known fully but others only know partially. The world is seeing a woman who is lighter and brighter than she’s been in ages. In the words of Amanda Gorman, I’m finally fully brave enough to see the light and be the light. And for that I’m so incredibly thankful. Yet thank you doesn’t even seem to be enough!

So as my thank you, I will live each day moving forward with new vigor and energy. I will continue to show the world the woman you all have seen from the beginning. I will embody what it means to move forward knowing that the struggles, the hard times they don’t define us.

Sorry again friends that I’ve been MIA. Life has just been busy! The weekly Five Minute Friday word prompt for this week is “fresh.”

When I first heard the word prompt, I immediately thought of the theme song to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. “I whistled for a cab and when it came near; The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror; If anything I could say that this cab was rare; But I thought ‘Nah, forget it’ – ‘Yo, holmes to Bel Air.’” It’s such a fun little ditty.

I’ve found a deep love for baking and cooking in my kitchen. Cookies that I got to share with friends. Last night I made a fresh batch of stew with jalapeño cornbread. This afternoon, the sweet smell of a Japanese cheesecake is wafting in the air. I can’t wait to see how it turns out. It’s my first attempt at this kind of cheesecake.

Once the cheesecake is finished, I’ll enjoy it with a sprinkle of powdered sugar and fresh strawberries. I’ll have to let you know how it tastes. I think it’ll be yummy it’s a cup of hot tea or maybe a peppermint mocha.

“With sighs too deep for words” 

This is the prayer that is replaying in my head and heart today. As an Enneagram 9, I am the peacemaker. I want peace for everyone. Last night, after the events of the day, my body was feeling every bit of the tension of the day. I decided to grab the current book I’m reading and draw myself a bath. I needed to do something that was good for my body and me. It didn’t take long before the tears fell from my face. And as the tears fell, my fur babies Luna and Neville curled up next to the tub. It was the moment of peace, joy and laughter I didn’t realize I needed until that very moment. Yet I wasn’t blind to the world outside still in chaos.

“With sighs too deep for words”

My heart aches that our country continues to be so divided. We have forgotten how to truly listen and learn from each other. Earlier this year, I committed to joining a friend’s book study on racism. I’ve learned so much as we have read “White Fragility,” “Stamped,” “Between the World and Me,” “The New Jim Crow,” “Just Mercy” and our current read “Racecraft.” I’m still committed to learning and being a better ally. There are days that I fail at this so I will continue to confess my own complacency in calling out white privilege.

“With sighs too deep for words”

There is so much swirling around in my brain and heart as I continue to process yesterday’s events. I still yearn for a day where we can learn from each other. I yearn for a day when our love for each other unites us rather than divides us. I yearn for a better future for my friends children who have experienced the realities of being a black child in a white world. I yearn for so much better and I’m not blind to the work we still have to do. I can’t help but think of the baptismal promises said in my baptism and at my confirmation, “Let your light so shine before others that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.” 

I want to share with you words that I wrote as we waited for the election results to come in. These words have been sitting on my iPad since that day. I’ve been afraid to share them because I know not all of my readers will agree or even understand. But I need to share them in the hopes that maybe they’ll create some dialogue and we can learn from each other. I also think you’ll notice the deep difference in how my body reacted on both days; a day where the tension in my body released and another day when the tension was felt in every part of my body.

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Written November 2020…

Four years ago, I was on the losing side of history. I felt so many emotions. I was disappointed and hopeless. Yet there was a holy fire that was lit in me that day and has continued every day since that day (I wrote this blog post for the Slate Project four years ago: https://www.slateproject.org/blog/grief-guilt-and-the-holy-fire-of-hope-by-tara-ulrich) 

This time around, I voted by mail because we are in the midst of a pandemic and I need to protect my neighbors and those who are most vulnerable. So Election Day Tuesday was a quiet day, yet I found myself stress baking and trying to distract myself from election results. The smell of fresh apple crisp and baked oatmeal are still lingering in the air. 

Tuesday, of course, drug on forever. And each day since Tuesday, Ive found myself filled with anxiety. What would happen in the days to come? In the hours? In the minutes? I kept scrolling and wondering when the news would be confirmed. 

Then this morning, I woke up to watch The Kitchen on the Food Network. I was scrolling Tik Tok and saw a post of a woman who posted about the news. I immediately went to Twitter. One of the first tweets I read said: Biden/Harris win! Tears began falling from my eyes! Tears of relief. Tears of joy. Tears of hope.

However, it isn’t lost on me that there are some of my friends feeling some of the same emotions I felt four years ago. So I find myself wanting to celebrate quietly. But I can’t help but realize that today is a good and historic day. Character matters! We’ve just elected the first woman Vice President. 

For the past four years, I’ve watched and heard stories of my friend’s children who are children of color experience horrendous racism. I’ve watched the news unfold as so many like George Floyd have cried out, “I can’t breathe.” I’ve tried my best to learn and live my life as an ally to those on the margins. There are days that I’ve failed, but I will not stop trying until black, indigenous, LGTBQ+ lives matter as much as white lives matter. We have so much work to do, friends! 

Several months ago, I started engaging in a book club around racial injustice. My eyes have been opened even more to the racism that many feel every day. As we’ve read White Fragility, Stamped, and Between the World and Me and had hard conversations, I’ve felt a deep need for our world to do better. There is so much we’ve omitted about what this world was founded on. The color of our skin does give us advantages in this world.

I voted for sweet Mara, Samuel, and every little kiddo I know. I want better for each and every one of them. But most of all, I want better for my BIPOC, indigenous, and LGTBQ+ friends. There are so many names running through my head as I write this. We must erase white privilege. We must listen, learn and work for a world where justice is served: justice where every human life matters. 

I know this is where some of my readers will disagree. I know some supported Trump because of his beliefs about abortion. However, many of us who are pro choice do not see it as pro abortion. For many of us, pro-choice means that no matter your personal feelings or beliefs, we understand and believe it is not our place to make a decision for another woman about what she can and can’t do with her body. 

Our country still remains so divided. But today is a reminder that love wins. We are called to love one another just as we love ourselves. We are called to work towards a justice that wipes out systematic racism, beats this pandemic, and in the words of our President and VP elect, to heal the soul of our nation. As I heard those words spoken tonight, more tears fell from my eyes. There also was a huge sigh of relief and release from my body.

I know we have so much work to do. But tonight I feel hopeful and that holy fire, lit four years ago, is still burning. It’s flickering with new life. Tonight and for the days to come, may the long process of work and healing begin! 

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“With sighs too deep for words”