This post is a vulnerable post about my deep desires to be a wife and mom. I am thankful for all of the mother figures in my own life. But my heart aches that this deep desire has not been met for me yet so this is my attempt to try and capture my thoughts and feelings. Thanks for understanding and reading!
A three week old baby laying in my arms as I chat with the photographer and his mom. The magic of holding a baby instantly puts me in a different realm. A sense of peace comes over me and the rest of the world doesn’t seem to matter in that moment.
Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a mom. As a little girl, my sister and I would play house with our cabbage patch dolls. We would dream of the day we would meet our Mr. Right and our deep desires would finally be met.
However, the reality is that this dream has not been met for me yet. I still deeply yearn to be a wife and mom. So many times I hear these words from Scripture: “Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4; NRSV)” and I just want to let out a guttural scream because every day I do my very best to delight in the Lord yet these desires have not been met for me. I find myself constantly asking “How long, oh Lord, will you forget me forever?” How long?!?!?
I realize that there are other ways that these desires can be met for me; to be a foster mom etc. Yet the reality is that I have to grieve the dreams that once were before I take on these new dreams. I have to grieve that my body will, more than likely, never carry a life inside it for 9 months. I have to grieve the dreams of that sweet little girl who always dreamed of being a wife and mom.
The reality is that our world is full of brokenness. I think of my friends who have carried babies that never got to see life on this earth. I think of my friends who held their daughter for a few hours before she breathed her last. I also think of those many children who are waiting for someone to call mom and dad. There are so many who dream of being loved.
My mom has continually shown me that kind of love even though she has lived most of my life with a mental illness. She would seriously give the clothes off of her back to someone in need. And if I can be half the mom my mom has been for me then the world would be a much better place.
Sunday is Mother’s Day. It is a day to celebrate the mothers in our life. Yet this day can also be painful. It is a day that continually reminds me that these deep desires of my heart have not been met for me yet. It is a day that twinges with the sadness of those moms that have been lost. It also is a day that can ache so deeply because of what is no longer there or never was there in the first place.
Sunday, I will worship with a community of faith and we will celebrate the mothers in our midst. But the reality is how many others, like me, are putting on a fake smile and sitting in the ache of their hearts? May we be mindful of the ways we can love and be loved even in the midst of our own brokenness, our own aches and our own unmet desires.
Linking up with Kelly and the Ra Ra linkup, Jennifer and Tell His Story, Holley and Coffee for your Heart and Kristin and Porch Stories.