A Season of Singleness

This is not at all how I imagined my life!

Ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted to be a mom. My sister and I would play with our Cabbage Patch dolls. We would spend hours playing with our dolls and caring for them like a mother cares for her child/children. Mom even saved all of our baby clothes for the day when we would have our own children. Those clothes are STILL carefully packed away until that day.

I remember clothing my blonde haired Cabbage Patch doll in the very first dress my daddy ever bought me; a yellow dress with a puppy on it with the words, if I am remembering correctly, “Daddy’s little girl.” My dad was so proud of buying that dress for his first born. And after playing with our dolls, my sister and I would watch fairytales for hours watching as the Princess found her Prince Charming and got her “happily ever after.” THAT is what I imagined for my life…finding my Prince Charming and getting my “happily ever after.”

But that is not what my life is. I am a thirty-six year old single woman who is very weary…weary of this season in her life, weary of having a life that I didn’t imagine, weary of not finding my Prince Charming and getting my “happily ever after.” I know that I need to give it to God and trust in God’s timing not my own. Yet, my friends, I am still weary; very weary!

I watch as dear friends find their Prince Charmings and two lives become one. I watch as many friends around me hold their beautiful children after they take their first breath. I even walk through the department stores picking out cute outfits for these little ones and then buying those clothes. I take them home, wrap them beautifully, pack them carefully into a box and then send them off to my friends knowing how much this little gesture means to them. I’ll be honest…I love shopping for baby gifts but there is also a part of me that feels broken as I am shopping for them and not for my own children. Truthfully, I am so very happy for them yet I am still weary; weary of this season of singleness in my life.

I got to hold a three week old baby at church last week and I was so happy. I held that sweet soul against my chest and breathed in her beautiful scent. I was delighted that her Mom let me hold her and spend time with her in my arms. Together that little girl and I walked up and down that room; chittering and chattering. I was in my own little world. Holding new life brings me such joy…and even hope. Yet I am still weary…still deeply weary of this season of singleness in my life.

I wonder when this season will end or if it will last forever. And my heart has a hard time accepting the fact that this season of singleness will last my entire life….because I still so deeply yearn to be a mother, to find my Prince Charming and to have my “happily ever after.” Why would God put this desire on my heart if it wasn’t part of my story and this season was going to last forever?

I have spent my thirty six years on this Earth serving God in the best ways I know how. Yet this season doesn’t seem to be anywhere near the end. I know that perhaps God might be calling me to a new plan; a different plan. Perhaps God is calling me to do foster care. Or maybe God is calling me to be a mom through adoption. (Two things that have found a way into my prayers and my heart as I discern where God is leading me) I am not sure when this season of singleness will end…but what I do know is that there are others of you out there who understand where I am coming from. You too are tired of being alone. You too are ready to find your Prince Charming and have your “happily ever after.” You too very strongly dislike being the fifth wheel.  You too dream of the day when you get to try on wedding gowns and experience the “This is the ONE” feeling as you put it on. Then you too also picture yourself walking down the aisle to your Prince Charming. You too wonder when this season will come to an end.

And, my single friends, I am with you every step of the way. I am sooo exhausted; so tired of explaining why I am still single. I am so tired of waiting for my dream to come true. But what I do know is that my worth is not determined by whether or not I am a mom; or whether or not I am a wife; or whether or not I have a ring upon my finger. My worth, our worth is determined by the one who fashioned us, formed us and knows every hair upon our heads. This One who knows if, when, and how this season of singleness will end.

Some days I still have an extremely difficult time trusting in this One….yet I know that this One has the ultimate answer and knows every desire of my heart; every desire of your heart. I pray that together, as we are so very weary of this season of singleness, we can find a way to see each other through this time.

But, my friends, even as I pour my heart and soul into this space, I want you to know even though I am trusting in my Lord’s timing and not my own…..

I am still weary; weary of this season of singleness.

The Turning of Seasons

I am linking up for the Five Minute Friday  today. The FMF is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Today’s prompt is “turn.” Write for five minutes; unedited.

The combine turns and moves its way up and down the field. The seeds have turned from seeds into wheat, soybeans or whatever crop we may have planted. My aunt, Dad, and Uncle take turns driving the combine; hoping and praying to get the combining finished within the next week. As I watch them turn down the field, I am reminded of how easily the seasons turn around these parts.

The leaves continue to turn; from green to hues of burnt orange to bright reds. And as they turn, they fall to the ground reminding us once again of the turn of the seasons. Soon the leaves will no longer be around and our yards and sidewalks will be covered in white fluffy snow. Again another turn of the seasons….

Months will turn from one month to another on the calendar and after what seems like a very long winter, the snow will begin to melt and the leaves will begin to return on the trees. The air will be filled with cool crisp spring weather. New life will come as baby calves are born. Again another turn of the seasons…

Before we know it the days will turn longer and it will feel like the days last forever. Spring will turn to summer. And we will find ourselves spending much time enjoying the longer days. The heat of the sun will turn our skin from the pasty white of winter to either sunburnt or tanned. Our hair will be sunkist. Again another turn of the seasons…

Our seasons turn from summer to fall, from fall to winter, from winter to spring! The beauty of God’s creation changes as it turns from each of these seasons.

Some Disjointed Thoughts

I love fall! I love watching the seasons change but it also means life at church gets busy. Everything starts back up. Now don’t get me wrong, I love seeing the church so full of life after so many members have taken a summer haitus! I truly love working in the church. However there are so many challenges that go with it too! Just the reality of serving in the church!

Antsy…that’s how I have been feeling lately. I don’t know if it’s the Holy Spirit flittering and fluttering around…doing her thing or what but thats just how Im feeling! I’m not sure what that means so asking for patience and peace!

Hope and Joy! I just got back from my synod’s fall rostered leaders retreat. The speaker today had us share stories of joy and hope. We talked about happiness and joy! Are they the same or different?!?! It created some fruitful conversation.

So this is a disjointed post but thats how I feel most days…going from one thing to the next! Hope you all are doing well my friends!