Reflecting on Mother’s Day

Good Evening friends! I just got back from dropping my dear friends off at the train station. It is very quiet in  my house tonight. It was nice to catch up and spend time together. But now as I sit down, I am having some time to reflect on this day; Mother’s Day. This day can be so hard for so many…and I will admit today is hard for me…a woman who yearns so deeply to be a mom.

Working at a church, today can be one of the hardest days for me. I don’t think people always realize how hard this day celebrating Moms can be especially for those who have lost babies, for those whose adoptions  fell through, for those who have longed to be a mom. This morning I walked into church and said “Happy Mother’s Day” to many of the woman in our congregation who are moms. I authentically meant every greeting I gave. But deep down in my heart, my heart was aching. For there are many that don’t know my entire story. They don’t realize or understand how deeply I am aching to be a mom. In many ways, bearing that part of my story is sharing a vulnerability; a nakedness with them. 
Yet ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted to be a mom. And yet that hasn’t come true for me yet. There are days that I wonder if God hears me. But the truth is God does hear me. A friend reminded me the other day that my desire is a God-given desire. I love that because if it is truly God-given, than in one way or another it should happen for me. And that is a promise I can cling too.
Days like today where we celebrate Mothers, I find myself celebrating all the women in my life. I think of my own mom who has daily struggled with a mental illness since I was three. Yet my mom has never let her illness get in the way of who she is. She is one of the most faith-filled women that I know and is also one of the most beautiful women to me. I hope that I can be half the woman she is! 
There are so many woman who have nurtured me and been caring “mother-like” figures in my life. And for that I am so very thankful. But, my friends, I also see all of you who are hurting. And I want you to know I understand. I see the silent tears you have shed. I see you standing at the foot of your infant’s grave. I see you longing to be a mom. I see all of you…Mothers or not! For together we remind each other of what it means to mother. 
So, my friends, tonight I am lifting my glass in honor of all of you! And as I raise my glass, I am saying a prayer for all of you too!

Not Forgotten

I took a little road trip to see my momma yesterday. The nursing home/assisted living place she lives at has a little Mother’s Day program. I was delighted to spend this time with my mom and it was such a nice day for a drive. When I get there, I always have to laugh because she is always continually telling people who I am! And yesterday was no different! My mom exudes pure joy when my sister and/or I walk into a room. (Just ask my friend Chris who got to see that first hand one day!)

My mom is a great mom, but like lots of moms, it has not been easy for her. Yet she has always had my sister and I’s best interest at heart. She loves entirely unconditionally! I love my momma with all of my heart, yet there are things that I mourn too! Since she is in a nursing home, I wonder if she will be able to be there when I finally meet my Mr. Right and need to go dressing shopping. I wonder if she will be able to share with me if/when I finally have my own child/children.

Mother’s Day is a wonderful day to honor my momma and all the mommas in my life. Yet I know that Mother’s Day isn’t easy for many of them and even me. I have watched friends who have struggled with infertility; waiting, watching and praying for a child. I have watched friends parent children for only a few minutes and then have to say goodbye to them. I have watched as friends have waited to be matched with a child for them to adopt. Mother’s Day is a day to honor all those moms as well!

Later this year, I will turn 36 and I’ll admit that my biological clock is ticking…and continues to tick. Just yesterday, my mom asked about grandchildren! I know her heart is in the right place but it still doesnt make it any easier. I so want to be a momma. Something I yearn for so deeply and strongly! Yes, I could and maybe someday will adopt but that isn’t easy to think about either. Who will support me on that journey? What will people think of that choice? And yet the truth is I am not getting any younger, my body maybe won’t be able to carry a biological child. And for that I ache…an ache that is so deep! I so yearn to be a momma! It is one of those very good, yet very difficult things in my life!

It’s hard to put into words how deep that ache is and how deep I yearn to be a mom. Yet I still carry that ache and that yearn with me out into the world. There are so many mother types in the world: those who yearn to be a momma again, those who have had to bury their own children, those who have waited to adopt, and so many more. Tomorrow may we give thanks for all of the Mothers in the world!

As Women We Walk Together….

“To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be.” These words posted on a friend’s FB page written by Amy Young hit so close to home for me. At almost 35 years old, I deeply yearn to be a mom. I try to be patient but that is so much easier said than done. I have yearned to be a mama for as long as I can remember! I want to be a mama just like my mama has been for me.

I watch my friends be “mommas” and I can’t help but smile. I am so thankful for the gift they are to their children. But I also mourn for my friends who have struggled with infertility and miscarriages. My heart aches for them…as I know they so deeply want to be a momma for the first time or again. I don’t always understand why this happens. I find myself asking God “Why?” And at times, it just doesn’t seem fair.

Yes, life hasn’t turned out the way I have longed for it to be. I keep telling myself that it will happen when God says that I am ready. Yet there is a piece of me that feels incomplete. I know that isn’t true. But so much of the world is all about celebrities becoming pregnant. I mean looking at how the world is all over how Kate Middleton is doing throughout her pregnancy. Yet the truth is some of the neatest single women in my life aren’t mothers yet they care like a mother cares for her children. I honestly do want to be a momma but I know that my friends who are single and not mommas are mommas in their own right too. Someday I hope and pray that life will turn out the way I want and will make me a momma…whether that be biological or through adoption.

Below is the rest of the poem from Amy Young. It captures so well what being a momma looks like in our world. Happy Mother’s Day everyone! This is for all of you my friends who are mommas, who yearn to be mommas, etc!

From Grace Lutheran for Mother’s Day:

“To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you. To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you. To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you.

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you. To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you. To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you. To those who have disappointment, heartache, and distance with your children – we sit with you.

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you. To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience. To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst. To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day.

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be. To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths. To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren, yet that dream is not to be – we grieve with you.

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you. To those who placed children up for adoption – we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you.

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you. (By Amy Young)”