Oh how easily fear sneaks in! It’s an emotion that we all struggle with. The other day I was working on my newsletter article where I wrote about joy not fear. I talked about how fear comes into each of our lives. Ever since writing that article, I’ve been thinking about fear. As many of you know from some previous posts, I yearn SOOOOO DEEEPLY to be a mom, to have a husband, etc. I wonder what God is calling me to do and be! Am I suppose to adopt and start my family on my own? Am I suppose to wait; wait for the day that God will bring Mr. Right into my life? So many questions….but not so many answers! 😛 I have been praying about this every day since I began having this conversation in my head. I am definetely not at peace and know that I will be when God shows me the answer to my prayer. However fear plays in to because I wonder how my family etc will feel if God is calling me to this adventure and this calling. For now, I am clinging to the joy I see when friends get married, friends start having families, etc! Joy not fear………..
My good friend Bryant introduced me to a new Christian artist Jason Gray. His words speak so deeply to him. The song “Remind Me Who I Am” is something that I am clinging to. Who am I? Who has God called me to be? Who am I in this world? WHO AM I? Again trying to cling to the joy of who I am rather than to the fear of clinging to Who I am not!
JOY NOT FEAR!!!
The last several days in this neck of the woods has been extremely foggy. At times, you couldn’t even see a mile down the road. Well that is how I feel in the midst of my previous post; trying to find my way through the fog (trying to listen to both my head and my heart!) I wish it would just suddenly become clear but I know that I must trust in the one who has claimed me as his child through the precious holy waters of Baptism! I’m also trying to heed the advice of those who have commented and/or emailed me about that last post. “Lean not on your own understanding.” That is so true….but so much easier said than done. A dear friend who is blogging and has begin an adoption journey with her family reminded me that I am a beautiful person and that God has something wonderful in store for me. I know that but sometimes forget that so it is good to have dear people who remind me of who I am; “fearfully and wonderfully made” in God’s image. In her last post, she commented on how she feels the Spirit moving; moving MORE than she has ever felt. I’m not sure what that means for me but it is definetely something I must trust in and follow. Myself and many others have been praying for a dear friend; placing her before God as she battles cancer. I’m not battling a serious illness but I love that image. So for now I am imagining all of you; my faithful readers, placing me before God in prayer as well as I figure out what God has in store for me and where God is leading. I’m sure that one day this fog of my heart and mind will lift and my journey will begin…whatever that journey is!
Things in life dont always turn out the way we expect them to, do they? Since I was a little girl, I’ve dreamt of being a mommy but it hasnt happened for me yet. Most of that is because I havent found my Mr. Right. There are times when I am hopeful but there are also other times when I’m not sure it will ever happen for me! This past Friday on my day off, I found myself channel surfing and I came across the Dr. Oz show which I normally don’t tune in to watch! Friday’s topic was titled “How old is too old to have a baby?” Needless to say, I was sucked totally in. They had panelists on both sides of the issue. It was interesting to listen to their conversation and see where I found myself. It’s a question that I know many are asking! I know that for some it’s about having a biological child so they try everything they can to have that child; IVF, IUI, etc! I also know families who have been blessed by adoption and foster care! Several friends grew up with foster siblings in their homes. A couple of weeks ago a dear friend texted me because she immediately thought of me when she went to a foster care meeting at their church. There is a huge need for foster parents etc. Now I’m not saying this is something I am ready to jump in and do, but it is a conversation that has been re-playing in my heart and mind.
This weekend I spent some time with some dear seminary friends. Friday night I babysat for both couples so they could go out and have an adult conversation/meal without the kids. It was such a blast being with those kids! Love them to pieces…they are so darn cute!!! Saturday morning all of us girls took some girl time. As we were walking through the store, I mentioned to one of them what the other friend had said to me about me doing foster care etc. Again Im not saying that it’s something Im ready to jump into but it is something that I totally find myself praying about. Where is God leading me? It’s so difficult when your head and your heart are trying to sort it all out. My head is asking all the logistical questions and trying to decide what is the best path for me while my heart is so ready to love (but that’s scary too). There also are so many fears and doubts playing into this conversation as well. So for now, my friends, all I can do is pray, pray, pray, pray!!!
(Hopefully this post makes sense! It’s been rattling around in my head for a little while now but I haven’t been able to write it down until now!)