Tag Archives: foster care

A Year of Brave

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Here I sit…the last day of December and the last day of this year 2015. And the last day of living out my One Word 365 “brave” for the year. As I look back over the year, I am reminded of how God showed me this word and shaped me in it. In fact, I can say that like the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz, I am braver than I think I am!

To refresh our memories, the word “brave” is defined, according to Mirriam Webster’s dictionary, as “having or showing courage,” or “making a fine show” (Adjective) And then as a verb, it means “to face or endure with courage” or “obsolete; to make showy.” The word brave also is a noun “one who is brave.”

So what does it mean to show courage? As I look back, I see courage and being brave in continuing to share our story of mental illness. I haven’t always seen it as being brave. But my friend Mary commented one day, “Your brave is in telling your story.” Her words caused me to stop and reflect on Brene Brown’s words “The bravest thing you’ll ever do is share your story.” That is so true. The bravest thing any of us will ever do is share our stories.

BRAVE!!

Brave sometimes looks like caring for an aging parent. My sister and I care for our mom as her legal guardians. We entrust her care to the nursing home she lives at but we are responsible for the big decisions. This summer we made some tough decisions yet again. We never imagined that at such young ages we would be the caregiver for a parent. But we are!

BRAVE!!

Still yearning deeply for God to answer the desires of my heart, I often…(read almost always)…don’t feel so courageous or brave. Yet what I’ve come to realize especially this year is that it is brave. As Miss Mandy Hales writes, “It’s about the beautiful uncertainty of it all!” Yes, it is brave to trust in God and the beautiful uncertainty of my life. And in that beautiful uncertainty, I realize that it is brave to hear Gods’s voice calling me to unchartered waters for myself. Yet being able to hear that call is brave and causes me to write down brave words like this Post. Is my brave being called to “foster and/or adoption?”

BRAVE!!

In my one word post last year, I wrote about the cowardly lion. You know a year of living brave has shown me that perhaps we aren’t so different after all. A year of living brave looks different for each and every one of us. Yet God gives us the courage and shows each one of us to be brave.

I’m reminded of these very words I wrote last January “I don’t need a medal. However I’ll admit that it would be pretty cool to own my very own medal! I need to show courage. I am not sure what that might look like. But I do hope that I am able to parade with courage; with bravery. As a single 36 year old female, I am tired of waiting for my Mr. Right. I am weary. I yearn so deeply to be a momma. Perhaps being brave for me will mean looking at other options; adoption, etc. I have no idea where this word will lead me in 2015 but I do know that it will shape me and who I am. And I will continue to pray for the ways that God might shape me as I live into this word this year.”

God did that very thing. God showed me my brave and continues to show it to me earn and every day. Brave is doing things even when we are afraid to do them. Brave is being able to see the fate within each and every one of us. Brave is surrendering fully and 100% trusting in the beautiful uncertainty of life!

“Haven’t I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don’t be timid; don’t get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take.”–Joshua 1:9 (The Message)

“And that though I am flawed, God is loving me and refining me and reminding me that God in me is where I can place my trust. And that is the place where I find my courage.” (Learning to Be Brave; Annie F. Downs; P.37)

(As my year of brave comes to an end, let’s jam out to this years theme song one last time!)

Linking up with Emily P. Freeman

Unmasked Series

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Unmasked: The Journey from Surviving to Thriving is a book that was recently released by my blog friend Bethany Boring. Bethany and I initially met on each other’s blogs and then we began catching each other’s Periscopes. Today I am sharing one of my Unmasked stories over at Bethany’s place.

“Those words open many fairy tales, but our lives are not all fairy tales, are they? They don’t all end with “happily ever after.” Read the rest of the story Here!

How Long, Oh Lord?

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Are you lonely? Are you deeply longing for something?

My friends, I AM! I am longing deeply to be a wife and a mother. I am longing to not come home to an empty house. I am longing for God to answer the God-given desires of my heart. I am longing to hold a sweet little baby in my arms. I am longing for….
Sometimes I feel as if I am the only one longing, but as my friend KA reminded me in a blog comment, there are probably many others who are feeling the same way that I am. There are many of you out there longing for the exact same things I am. And there are others of you longing for other items in your life. KA suggested that I be brave and share this part of my story, so I am. Besides brave is my #oneword365 for 2015 so it seems a fitting place to share this part of my story. And I want you to know, my friends, that if you are longing and lonely, you are not alone. I see you and hear the cries of your heart too.

I am a 36 year old single woman. Ever since I was little, I have wanted to be a mom. I remember sitting on the floor of our house playing “House” with my little sister. I would dress my cabbage patch dolls up in my very own infant clothes waiting for the day that I could dress my real life little one up in those exact same clothes. But those clothes still remain packed away in a storage room at my Dad’s house. 
“Oh how long, oh Lord, how long?”
And there are so many in this stage of my life who are announcing marriage and pregnancy announcements. I am truthfully happy for them. But there is a huge part of me that is sad, who continually aches for these things for myself. I want to put my hand on my pregnant belly and feel my child kick me.  I even crazily want to NOT get a full night’s sleep because my child is awake. (Remind me of that someday when I DO have children!)
“Oh how long, oh Lord, how long?”

But I also realize that God might not answer my desires that way. There are days that I wonder if adoption is the path for me. I know there are so many children in the US and the world who are in need of a family. To be honest, I would love to adopt, but fear is the wall that keeps being put up. I wonder how my family and friends will react. I am frightened for what it would be like to be a single mom working at a church. Yet I know that if being a mom is a God-given desire of my heart, God WILL indeed answer that call.

“Oh how long, Oh Lord, how long?”

If you are like me, my friends, you continually find yourself asking this very question: Oh Lord, how long? I am reminded of the words we hear in Psalm 13; verse one (NRSV) “How Long, Oh Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” I honestly don’t see God hiding his face from me, but I do wonder how long I will have to wait and if those desires will be answered. And I am sure there are others of you who feel the exact same way.

“Will you forget me forever?”

That question is one that continually is on repeat in my mind. I trust in God’s promises for God’s people. Yet it is hard to come home to an empty house and long for something so deeply without seeing that prayer and that desire answered. However I have seen so many other prayers answered. I have seen my friends struggling with fertility issues and then all of a sudden they are announcing a pregnancy announcement. I have seen adoptions completed. But I also have seen the struggles that come with motherhood as well. I have seen my cousin have to lay two children to rest. I have seen many others who have never even gotten to hold their babies. And in the midst of both the joys and the sorrows, God has a way of continually showing up and knowing what we need.

God is a God of promises. But when you continue to ask the question, “How Long, Oh Lord, there are days that is so easy to forget.

God has a funny sense of humor. This morning I was getting ready 
for work listening to my favorite  Pandora station when this song came on. 
These lyrics caught me this morning: “This is for all the single people, Thinkin’ life 
has left them dry. Don’t give up until you drink from the silver cup. You’ll never know until you try.”
And I don’t remember EVER hearing this song before today! 

I am linking up with these lovely writers today: 


 


Throwing My Fears in the Fire

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God has a way of showing up in the most unexpected ways.

I hadn’t checked my blog or my email for a few days last week since I was attending the ELCA Youth Ministry Network Extravaganza. I wanted my time in Detroit to be dedicated to spending quality time with old and new friends alike.

But one afternoon during a break, I decided to take a quick peak at my blog. I noticed that I had a comment on one of my posts where the individual asked me to email him. So on my way home from the E, I sent him a quick email. The man that emailed me was Cameron Von St. James. Cameron had stumbled upon my blog and asked if I would participate in sharing about his and his wife Heather’s journey as well as share about Lung Leavin Day.

In his email Cameron wrote, “Nine years ago, my wife Heather was diagnosed with mesothelioma; a rare cancer caused by exposure to asbestos. Heather had just given birth to our daughter, and during the most exciting time in our lives, she was given just 15 months to live. After surgery to remove her left lung, Heather began her journey towards survival, and Lung Leavin’ Day was born.”

He then continues with, “This year (Feb 2nd) will be the 9th Lung Leavin’ Day celebration! The purpose of this holiday is to encourage others to face their fears. Each year, we gather around a fire in our backyard with our friends and family, write our biggest fears on a plate and smash them into the fire. We celebrate for those who are no longer with us, for those who continue to fight, for those who are currently going through a tough time in their life, and most importantly, we celebrate life!” (Learn more here: Throw Your Fears to the Fire!)

Cameron asked me to write about my fears, to write it on a virtual plate and then to smash it in the fire with them. As many of you know my #oneword365 for 2015 is “brave” and when I read Cameron’s email, I knew this was a perfect opportunity for me to be “brave.”

My fingers danced across the keyboard as I typed on the plate on their interactive page. I typed the words “I am afraid I will never be a mom.” Yep…there I said it! In fact I literally wrote those words on my interactive plate.  I even went back and typed more words on a second plate that read “beginning the adoption journey.” I so deeply yearn to be a mom and there are days I am afraid that God doesn’t hear my pleas. I am afraid that these dreams will never come true for me. Yet adoption and/or foster care are two things that I have been praying about and have given completely over to God.

Today I am choosing to follow Heather and Cameron’s examples, I am choosing to write down those fears and to throw them into the fire. I’ll admit it feels good to write them down and give them wholeheartedly over to God. I am not sure what God has in store for me, but I do know that God will help me overcome these fears. I know that God will give me the strength to journey trusting in him as he holds my heart.

I have so many friends who continually remind me that I will be an awesome mom. They also don’t think God would give me these deep yearnings if it wasn’t going to happen for me. Yet it is something that still scares me. I want to find my Mr. Right and be a Mom so deeply. (Anyone who knows me knows I love every chance I get to hold a baby.)

So I’m throwing my fears into the hot fire and am leaning into God as God holds my heart

Yes, No or Wait!!

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Jesus will hold your heart.

These words shared with me by my friend DB are echoing in my heart, head and mind as I wonder what God is calling me to.

Am I going to meet my Mr. Right? Am I suppose to adopt?
Or do foster care?

Really I have more questions than answers these days.

I know that God hears my every prayer. But as a friend reminded me, God often says Yes, No or Wait!!

What, wait? God doesn’t always give an answer all the time. I know that but sometimes that is so hard to hear especially when you are waiting for God to answer your prayer. I want an answer other than simply wait.

What’s Up Holy Spirit?

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For awhile now, I have been praying and contemplating about a topic that is extremely dear to my heart. Those who know me well know that I deeply yearn to have a family and to be a mom. It’s something I have dreamed about and wanted for a really long time now. In September, I will celebrate my 34th birthday. I know 34 isn’t that old but for me it means yet another year has passed where I haven’t found my Mr. Right and haven’t been able to start my family. My biological clock is absolutely 100% ticking! And as that clock ticks, I find myself praying and trying to figure out what God is calling me to do!

Several months ago a dear friend texted me after a foster care meeting at her church. She immediately thought of me. I was humbled by the fact that she thought of me. There was (and I believe still is) such a need. She thought I would be a perfect match. Her comment opened my heart to praying about it. Around the same time, another dear friend and her family announced that they were beginning an adoption journey. And also at that same time, a colleague and I began to talk about it as well. This colleague was very up front and reminded me that society is different now and I don’t have to find my Mr. Right in order for my dream of being a mom to come true. The first friend who brought this up confirmed this when she told me about journeys of two of her single friends: one who is adopting and another who was doing IVF and had just found out she was pregnant. Then I visited with another friend who happens to be parent support foster care. In the midst of all of these stories and reminders of adoption, I found myself blogging and praying, praying, praying. The blogging and prayer allowed me to put it all into God’s hands!

I hadn’t really thought about it much lately. And then again tonight, a friend messaged me and was like,”Have you ever thought about foster care or foster adoption!? Inside I found myself laughing while on the outside, I was like, “Ok Holy Spirit are you trying to tell me something? Is this a sign from God?.” My friend and I chatted for a little while about. She shared two blogs about adoption with me. I found myself reading their stories. And once again wondering what God is telling me! Is God trying to tell me something?

I’m not sure what my journey holds but what I do know is there are a lot of fears and unanswered questions. But then I also believe there are going to be many joys and possibly even peace if God is calling me to follow on this journey. I am thankful for friends who tell me how AMAZING of a mother I will be! I am thankful for this blog and my faithful readers who allow me to be honest and flesh this all out. But mostly I am thankful for a God who I can trust in and who will show me the way; who will let me know what God is calling me to do!

The Resurrection; Here and Now!!

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My cup is absolutely overflowing today!!!! I think so often it is simply so easy for life to get in the way! We get so caught up in the busyness of life that we can so easily see the darkness in our midst but we have a hard time seeing the light. This weekend has been absolutely full of light for me! Yesterday with about 500 other people, I witnessed new love…and new joy at the wedding of my friend Renee. Now some of you, my blog readers, know her story but others of you may not so I’ll give a quick snippet. Renee, Renee’s husband Ben and Ben’s cousin Jon were all in Haiti in January of 2010 when the earthquake hit! They were all seperated and Ben lost his life in the rubble. Ben spent his last moments of life singing! Over the course of the past two years, Renee and Jon have found their way to each other and formed a new love! This to me is light! This is the Resurrection in our midst; here and now!

Then yesterday morning I met up with a good camp friend over Breakfast. As we were visiting, she was telling me about her foster child. She does “parent support” fostering. As many of you know, it is something I have been praying about and thinking about for a little while now! I couldnt help but smile and think about how smart the Holy Spirit is; showing me another opportunity. More light…more Resurrection in my midst here in now! Then later that afternoon, I Skyped my mom for the first time! So much fun to see the light in her as she saw me and got to talk to me at the same time! Perhaps the Resurrection in my midst yet again?!?!

This morning I went with a good friend out to the church Renee serves at. We met up with another camp friend and her family who recently moved to town. The church is on the campus of the youth correctional center. We gathered with the boys and girls who are currently staying at YCC! I couldn’t help but wonder what their stories were! While at Heart River, I got to hear a dear Diaconal sister preach (She preached a rockin’ sermon that inspired this blog today!)More signs of light….more joy….more of the Resurrection in our midst here in now!

The weekend isn’t even over yet. I will get to see college friends later this afternoon who I havent seen in forever! We are gathering for an adoption benefit for a college friend and her family who are adopting from Bulgaria! I am sure I will see more light…more joy today!

Hard not to see the Resurrection in this Easter season as I look around this weekend yet it also is so easy like the gospel story we heard from Mark last week to be afraid, to let fear creep in, to doubt, and to see the darkness. May we spend more time always looking for the Resurrection in our midst! And in the midst of seeing the Resurrection, may your cups begin to overflow with love, joy, and countless blessings!!

Christ is Risen!
Christ is Risen Indeed! Alleluia!

Pinterest, Glee, and Other Meanderings

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Pinterest!!!!
Sarah Thomson, I blame you!
It is so addicting!
But I love it!

I love using my crockpot to make meals. And Ive been trying to be better about cooking more and not eating out so much. This site has given me some great ideas and I hope I can try at least some of them. There are way too many ideas to try them all! Living in apartment has its downfalls. In my bathroom there is no shelving or drawers just a cabinet so it was fun to look on Pinterest for new ideas/ solutions. Maybe I can make my apartment look a little more homey etc. Im excited to explore Pinterest some more!

In other news, I am such a cryer! Anyone who knows me knows that about me! Tonight I found myself crying at “Glee!” I kept thinking, geez girl, get your act together but that has always been me. I am such a romantic and love happy endings. But sometimes I also think the tears are because of unfulfilled hopes etc. I so am waiting for my Mr. Right and a family. But enough about that, life is so good. I just find myself yearning for those things.

The other day a friend texted because at her church there had been a meeting about foster care and how they really need foster parents at the moment. She said it made her think of me. If you’ve read some of my earlier posts, you know how deeply I yearn to be a mom etc so when she brought this up, it seriously made me think about the idea. Im going to have to pray about it and see where God leads me!

Motherly Love

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Have you ever wanted something so badly? I know we all yearn and want things that we can’t have, but then there are things that I think we all yearn for that I wonder if we are meant to have. Tonight as I am typing this, I am watching the show “Private Practice.” On the show, Dr. Montgomery is trying everything she can to have a child of her own. And to be honest, I find myself in her shoes….in my own ways I am Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery. I yearn so much to be a mother and feel totally called to motherhood. And I wonder if that is what is meant for my life. Last week as I watched “Grey’s Anatomy,” I also found myself also feeling like Dr. Meredith Grey. The one thing all these characters have in common is that they are trying to be mothers and that is something I yearn so deeply for. Im not sure why…perhaps its because I have an amazing mother who is the most amazing women despite living with a mental illness all her life. Perhaps its because I love babies so much or because I seem to have that motherly touch. Just a few days ago I was talking to a colleague and her grandkids and they were telling me how the baby doesnt like strangers but instead of crying the baby smiled at me!

A couple of weeks ago my colleague and I had this conversation about if I ever think about being a mom and the possibilities of that happening in today’s society even if I dont find my Mr. Right. Since that day, I have found myself really reflecting on that. And then a friend told me about two single friends who have ventured into motherhood through IVF or through adoption. And then another friend who is married and has two children already told their families news that they are planning to adopt from Bulgaria. Two of my dearest friends from seminary also have adopted. And I find myself asking, Why are people telling me these stories now? Is God trying to tell me something? Is the Holy Spirit working in my life to show me that I can be a mom someday if that is what I so desire? All I know is that whatever God is calling me too….God will walk with me on that journey!

Weighing the Pros and Cons

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Being a 33 year old single woman is no easy feat! I find myself constantly asking myself, and most importantly, God when it will happen for me! I wonder if I will ever get that opportunity. I understand that it may never happen and that is hard to accept and understand. I find myself asking, “Would God put this so deeply on my heart if it wasnt meant to be?” I also find myself evaluating my singleness at my job. Sometimes (not at all the time but it does happen) wonder if parents have a hard time seeing me as an authority because I havent been in their shoes before etc! And that can be frustrating! In addition, I find myself reflecting on what I can do to make it happen FASTER! I know this isnt realistic but I do sometimes catch myself thinking along those lines. I love being around babies. I truly am happy for my friends when they get engaged and start their own families. But honestly, there is a part of me who is sad too! Which leads me to a conversation I had the other day with a colleague. Now the conversation we had was about adoption. This person asked me, “If I have ever thought about adopting and being a single mom?” They proceeded to say they didnt suggest it but they also said that it is not out of the realm of possibilities. It lead to a great conversation. And to be honest, I have vaguely thought about this topic but I have thought about it. I have listed some of the pros and some of the cons! It would be no easy thing but it is something that I have been thinking more about since that conversation. It is not something I will act on in the near future………but it is something to continue to pray about etc! And after all these thoughts, I find myself simply trying to continue to cling to God’s grace and know that God is in control!