Tag Archives: Desires of my heart

On Being Single….and Trying to Be Content!

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I honestly love my life! I am at the point in my life when I, for the most part, am feeling content. However there are times that I really struggle with where I am as well. I hate to be such a whiner
but it is something that I pray for every day. I am so ready to settle down, have a family, etc. I know that it will happen in God’s timing and not mine but that is so much easier said than done. Just a few weeks ago, I was gathered with many of my high school classmates…many of whom I havent seen in 16 years. Many of them are married and have children. Some of them are engaged. And then there is me.

I have been on one of the well-known secure dating websites for awhile but nothing ever seems to come from that. There are days I wonder if its worth the monthly cost I pay. I have even had friends set me up. A college friend set me up with her brother. We talked a lot on the phone and decided to meet in person. I had a nice time with him and wondered where it might lead. But communication just stopped! I think we are too different and the fact that we were like two hours away played in.

I am at the point where if I don’t find my Mr. Right sooner rather than later. I honestly could see myself adopting at some point in my life.

It’s so hard to be a single woman….especially a single woman who works in a church. Like I said, I am content…for the most part…but I also pray for my prayers to be answered. I want God to bring that special guy into my life. I am not sure when or how that will happen. I also wonder why God brings certain people into my life as well. Why are they meant to be a part of my life? Just some thoughts rumbling around in my brain tonight!

In less than a month, I will be officiating at my first wedding and I am absolutely excited and honored to officiate this wedding. As I look at this young woman who I used to babysit and see her so happy, it makes my heart joyful! I am so happy for her and am hopeful that my friends and family will experience their joy and happiness throughout their lives too! I pray I find that type of love and joy someday too!

A Safe Place

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Anyone who knows me knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve? Yet there are times when I don’t always feel like that is the right time or place to wear my heart on my sleeve. However what I have come to realize is that my blog is a safe place…a safe place to lay my heart out on the table. I’m not always sure that I do that here though. My dear friend Anna who blogs over at Girl With Blog has opened my eyes to seeing my blog as that safe place. She has been so open and honest on her blog like we are standing in her backyard chatting over a white picket fence. 🙂

My purpose in blogging tonight isn’t to discredit the absolute joy several of my friends are feeling this week. Rather it is to share in that joy while also grieving that it hasn’t happened for me yet. Two of my dear friends from when I worked at SuperAwesomeBibleCamp got engaged this week. A couple weeks ago a high school classmate also got engaged. Honestly I want to share in their joy yet there is a part of me that has a hard time doing that. I think of my friends who have struggled having children and others around them aren’t struggling to have another child at all. I know it’s not the same thing but I think those feelings are probably very similar to what I feel.

As a 34 1/2 year old woman, I am so ready; so ready to settle down and have a family. Yet I also don’t want to rush into it either. I trust God will bring that person into my life when the time is right. However a lot of the time my inner three year old wants to come out; my inner three year old that wants to lay on the floor kicking and screaming because I DIDNT GET WHAT I WANT! (Can you picture it now?)Now I realize that is probably childish and I in no way have ever or will ever do that. Yet I have yearned for Mr. Right, for a family, etc for as long as I can remember. So tonight I ask you my faithful readers; my on-line friends; to help support me as I continue on this journey. Grab a glass of wine or whatever your drink of choice is this evening, find yourself a snack and let’s sit back and support each other–let us wipe each other’s tears but also let us laugh and rejoice together!

To My Beloved….

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To My Beloved….

I don’t know who you are or what you look like. However every day I pray for God to bring you into my life. As long as I can remember I’ve wanted a husband and a family. I know that God will bring you into my life when you and I both are ready!

I’m so thankful for everything God has given me. I’m blessed with awesome family and friends. I’m blessed to have an amazing job and awesome colleagues. My life is so full of blessings yet I still wait and yearn for you!

Some day soon I hope that God brings you into my life! There is no doubt in my mind that God has heard every prayer I have said for you. I know that you will be an amazing Godly man who loves me for who I am. I know you will be sweet and kind and caring and full of laughter and joy! I also know you will hold my hand and wipe away my tears when I’m sad. (And the tears, my beloved, will come often which you will embrace and won’t scare you away!) You will be the person I can talk to about anything! And our love for each other will be grounded in Gods love! This is so important to us both!

Once God brings you into my life, I will continue to see what our future holds; a child which I yearn for every day too, years filled with love, and so much more!

So I wait for you, my beloved! I wait for our lives to meet and to be joined by God’s love. There are days I wish even harder for God to bring you into my life like on a Friday night when I feel somewhat lonely. Until we meet I continue to pray and trust Gods leading.

So for now I wait… And as I wait know that I all ready love you. Because God is working hard to find the perfect match for both of
us. So for now I wait; I wait for you my beloved!

A Little Late- Hope for the Weary (Last Post)….

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I went away on a wonderful continuing ed event but I started a little blog study before I left and want to finish it. I am so thankful for my friend Anna for posting about Hope for the Weary mom on her blog. Even though Im not a mama, it has blessed me too! Thanks for that Miss Anna!

Chapter Six—“Sometimes It Takes An Altar”
Of course, I have wanted to walk away…to walk away from my dream to have a family and to be a mom. But then God finds this way to remind me that I am not on this journey alone. God will not let me down! Boy aint that the truth?!?! But when I get down and start feeling Eeyorish, it’s really hard to listen to that voice of God. And thats when I need that altar…that place where I can totally feel God’s grace, peace, love, and most especially presence! For me it might be as simple as walking the aisles of Target like my friend Anna or simply spending time at my favorite place in the world;SuperAwesomeBibleCamp! I’ve knelt at the altar of God in an airport waiting at my gate for my flight. This happened in January of 2010 when my friend Renee lost her husband Ben in the Haiti earthquake. Another place that I have experienced this place is in the Rocky Mountains. There is just something so holy about the Lutheran Academy of the Rockies and being in a place where I can feel, see, and experience God’s presence. It is a place that gives me life again and again. Another place for me is the prairies of ND…hence the blog title! Where are those places for you?

Chapter Seven (The End)—“When Life Hurts Too Much”
Loss and grief is not a topic any of us like to talk about. However it is something we all experience. And most of those experiences bring us completely and utterly to our knees. My friend Anna and her husband J went through way more than anyone should go through to finally get their precious Sam! I remember grieving with all of my friends who have tried so hard to have a family and havent been able too. And then there is me, who wants so badly to have a family. I grieve being a mama! I know it may sound selfish and also maybe makes me feel a little dumb but its the truth; its my reality!
Will someone ever call me mama? Will I ever get to hold that precious infant in my arms and know love that only a mama can explain?

What I have come to realize in the midst of this study is that being a mama is hard work. Mamas grow weary yet God gives them the strength! I may grow weary waiting for my dream to come true but the truth is God gives me strength too. I just need to be patient, to trust in God who is faithful and true!(That is easier said than done most days though!)

What’s Up Holy Spirit?

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For awhile now, I have been praying and contemplating about a topic that is extremely dear to my heart. Those who know me well know that I deeply yearn to have a family and to be a mom. It’s something I have dreamed about and wanted for a really long time now. In September, I will celebrate my 34th birthday. I know 34 isn’t that old but for me it means yet another year has passed where I haven’t found my Mr. Right and haven’t been able to start my family. My biological clock is absolutely 100% ticking! And as that clock ticks, I find myself praying and trying to figure out what God is calling me to do!

Several months ago a dear friend texted me after a foster care meeting at her church. She immediately thought of me. I was humbled by the fact that she thought of me. There was (and I believe still is) such a need. She thought I would be a perfect match. Her comment opened my heart to praying about it. Around the same time, another dear friend and her family announced that they were beginning an adoption journey. And also at that same time, a colleague and I began to talk about it as well. This colleague was very up front and reminded me that society is different now and I don’t have to find my Mr. Right in order for my dream of being a mom to come true. The first friend who brought this up confirmed this when she told me about journeys of two of her single friends: one who is adopting and another who was doing IVF and had just found out she was pregnant. Then I visited with another friend who happens to be parent support foster care. In the midst of all of these stories and reminders of adoption, I found myself blogging and praying, praying, praying. The blogging and prayer allowed me to put it all into God’s hands!

I hadn’t really thought about it much lately. And then again tonight, a friend messaged me and was like,”Have you ever thought about foster care or foster adoption!? Inside I found myself laughing while on the outside, I was like, “Ok Holy Spirit are you trying to tell me something? Is this a sign from God?.” My friend and I chatted for a little while about. She shared two blogs about adoption with me. I found myself reading their stories. And once again wondering what God is telling me! Is God trying to tell me something?

I’m not sure what my journey holds but what I do know is there are a lot of fears and unanswered questions. But then I also believe there are going to be many joys and possibly even peace if God is calling me to follow on this journey. I am thankful for friends who tell me how AMAZING of a mother I will be! I am thankful for this blog and my faithful readers who allow me to be honest and flesh this all out. But mostly I am thankful for a God who I can trust in and who will show me the way; who will let me know what God is calling me to do!

Joy Not Fear (Or The Head and the Heart Part 3)

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Oh how easily fear sneaks in! It’s an emotion that we all struggle with. The other day I was working on my newsletter article where I wrote about joy not fear. I talked about how fear comes into each of our lives. Ever since writing that article, I’ve been thinking about fear. As many of you know from some previous posts, I yearn SOOOOO DEEEPLY to be a mom, to have a husband, etc. I wonder what God is calling me to do and be! Am I suppose to adopt and start my family on my own? Am I suppose to wait; wait for the day that God will bring Mr. Right into my life? So many questions….but not so many answers! 😛 I have been praying about this every day since I began having this conversation in my head. I am definetely not at peace and know that I will be when God shows me the answer to my prayer. However fear plays in to because I wonder how my family etc will feel if God is calling me to this adventure and this calling. For now, I am clinging to the joy I see when friends get married, friends start having families, etc! Joy not fear………..

My good friend Bryant introduced me to a new Christian artist Jason Gray. His words speak so deeply to him. The song “Remind Me Who I Am” is something that I am clinging to. Who am I? Who has God called me to be? Who am I in this world? WHO AM I? Again trying to cling to the joy of who I am rather than to the fear of clinging to Who I am not!

JOY NOT FEAR!!!

Who I Am?

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Many who know me know that I love to listen to all types of music especially Christian music. I recently found myself driving home from work and listening to a new song that I never heard before. Something about this song caught me and I found myself really listen and reflecting on the words. I love it. The song is “Remind Me Who I Am” by the artist Jason Gray (The video is really powerful too!) Something about this song is so catchy and just really catches me. I downloaded it on my Itunes and onto my Iphone! I crank it everytime it comes on the radio or I’m listening to it on my phone. What is it about this song that is so beautiful….I think it’s the simple reminder for God to remind us who we are when we forget. The truth is we all are loved.

Recently I read a blog post titled “A Holy Tantrum” (If you haven’t read it, let me know and I’ll post the link for you) where the author was having a holy tantrum because of suicides etc that are happening due to bullying etc. The article that spawned this post was basically saying it was ok because these people chose their sexuality etc. It makes me angry. No matter where you are, these are people…someone’s sister, someone’s daughter or son, someone’s best friend, etc! The truth is we are all “fearfully and wonderfully made!” I wish people really believed that…but I know that’s not reality…and that hurts my heart.

Tonight the youth from church volunteered at a local food shelf. I’m so proud of them because in doing this service, I think they realize how lucky they are and realize what it means to see everyone as “fearfully and wonderfully made”; even those who don’t have a home or food upon their plate etc. We may not know what their stories are!

So this Jason Gray song is my new theme song. I think sometimes we all need to be reminded of who we are! I can get so caught up in the things I don’t have and yearn for; a husband, a family, etc but then I must realize what I do have.

“Tell me once again who I am, tell me lets not forget who I am to you, I am the one you love!”
 “I belong to you”

The Head and The Heart

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Things in life dont always turn out the way we expect them to, do they? Since I was a little girl, I’ve dreamt of being a mommy but it hasnt happened for me yet. Most of that is because I havent found my Mr. Right. There are times when I am hopeful but there are also other times when I’m not sure it will ever happen for me! This past Friday on my day off, I found myself channel surfing and I came across the Dr. Oz show which I normally don’t tune in to watch! Friday’s topic was titled “How old is too old to have a baby?” Needless to say, I was sucked totally in. They had panelists on both sides of the issue. It was interesting to listen to their conversation and see where I found myself. It’s a question that I know many are asking! I know that for some it’s about having a biological child so they try everything they can to have that child; IVF, IUI, etc! I also know families who have been blessed by adoption and foster care! Several friends grew up with foster siblings in their homes. A couple of weeks ago a dear friend texted me because she immediately thought of me when she went to a foster care meeting at their church. There is a huge need for foster parents etc. Now I’m not saying this is something I am ready to jump in and do, but it is a conversation that has been re-playing in my heart and mind.

This weekend I spent some time with some dear seminary friends. Friday night I babysat for both couples so they could go out and have an adult conversation/meal without the kids. It was such a blast being with those kids! Love them to pieces…they are so darn cute!!! Saturday morning all of us girls took some girl time. As we were walking through the store, I mentioned to one of them what the other friend had said to me about me doing foster care etc. Again Im not saying that it’s something Im ready to jump into but it is something that I totally find myself praying about. Where is God leading me? It’s so difficult when your head and your heart are trying to sort it all out. My head is asking all the logistical questions and trying to decide what is the best path for me while my heart is so ready to love (but that’s scary too). There also are so many fears and doubts playing into this conversation as well. So for now, my friends, all I can do is pray, pray, pray, pray!!!

(Hopefully this post makes sense! It’s been rattling around in my head for a little while now but I haven’t been able to write it down until now!)

New Year’s Eve 2011

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It’s New Year’s Eve 2011! Once again I find myself just chillin’ at home….and somehow Im ok with that! 🙂 My Dad and I had a nice NYE dinner tonight. C was working so I was Dad’s date for the night! LOL! We had shrimp, prime rib, potatoes, and green beans! It was yummy! Then C came home and we watched Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin Eve on tv! So super exciting….LOL!

What word would you use to describe 2011? For me, it’s blessed! Blessed to meet new friends, blessed to spend time with family and friends, Blessed to serve a congregation I love, Blessed to have such great colleagues in ministry, blessed, blessed, blessed!

And as I look towards 2012, I find myself thinking about what my hopes are. I continue to hope to find my Mr. Right and start a family. Im so ready and I know it will happen when I least expect it but it’s so much easier said than done. I hope to save more money. I hope to spend more time with my family and friends. I hope that they find a cure for cancer. I hope that those that are battling cancer are able to beat it. What are your hopes for 2012?

Happy New Year my dear friends and readers!
May your 2012 be filled with many blessings!

Breaking Down the Walls of Fear

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Fear is a crazy feeling, isnt it? The Advent One texts reminded us of how often fear can get in the way of our lives. This past year has been no exception. Harold Camping predicted that the world would end and then when it didnt, he gave us a new date, and when that day came and went, we were all still here. “For we do not know the day nor the hour.” Yet so many people found themselves wondering, what if he’s right. I remember a story a colleague told about a woman who is living in fear because of what is predicted in 2012. The colleague asked what she would do differently with her life if they are right. Martin Luther always said, “He would simply plant a tree” meaning he would just go on with his life! Yet how many of us are guilty of letting fear get in the way of living our lives etc! A dear seminary friend has been battling cancer. The operation was successful but then they found that that nasty “c” word had spread to her lungs. 🙁 Ive been simply amazed at her words as she has posted on her carepages site. Yes, she has found herself struggling and wondering why but one thing Ive noticed is she is NOT letting fear get the best of her….she is clinging to the promises of God. What a great example she is! I think too often we let fear get the best of us. I am just as guilty as the next person. What if I never find my Mr. Right? What if I never get the opportunity to be a mother and have a family? What if…What if…What if….and because of those what ifs, I let fear play in and am afraid to try new things. I am reminded of one of my friend Ben’s alltime favorite movies, “The Wizard of Oz.” Dorothy, the lion, the scarecrow, and the tin man all had their own fears/obstacles to overcome. During this season of Advent, I find myself clinging to the promise of this precious one who is born in a stable in Bethlehem and later dies on a cross in Jerusalem for our sins. This precious one comes to show us that fear will not have the last word but rather that God will!