My Not So Graced-Filled Life

“How long, Oh Lord, will you forget me forever? Oh how these words penetrate my heart. I so deeply yearn to be a wife and a mom, but at long last, I am still a single woman. I love my job and my life, yet there is something that I so deeply wish for. It is an area of my life where I always find myself looking for God’s grace because this is not at all how I pictured my life.

I scroll through my Facebook feed and read the news of a new birth, a new home, a new engagement, a new marriage…. I will admit that I am extremely happy for these friends and family. Yet my heart hurts so deeply. It is brokenhearted! And there is not enough chocolate to cover the pain of this ache in my heart. I want to hold my own child in my arms. I want to spend my Friday night cuddled up to someone special. But what if that is not the story God has for my life? 
And if that is not the story God has for my life, I have to remember to receive God’s grace with open hands. That is not an easy pill to swallow. Yet in all truth, I know that God is finding ways to show God’s grace to me. God has a way of showing up in the most unexpected places and in the most unexpected people.
Just the other day,  I returned home from a weekend at a youth gathering. In my mailbox, there was bills and other junk mail, but there was also a package wrapped in brown paper packaging that caught my eye. I set the mail down and put away my clothes etc. After opening all of my mail, I finally opened my package. It was a gift from my friend Susan that she got while she was attending Allume. The gift was a book titled “Beautiful Uncertainty: Singleness, Surrender, and Stepping Out on Faith” by Mandy Hale. The book actually is an advanced reader copy. I thought I was going to have to wait for the book to come out, but Susan thought of me and sent this book and sweet note in the inside cover.  Her words “I pray it speaks to your soul” are another gift of God’s grace in my life!
There are days in this single life of mine that my life is not so grace-filled at all! I question where God’s grace is in the midst of yearning and questioning if God will EVER answer the deepest desires of my heart or if I will have to surrender knowing that this is not the story God has in store for my life. I honestly don’t think God would give me these deep desires for so long if they weren’t going to be eventually answered in my life. 
The single life can be so lonely. The single life can be so full of waiting and wondering. The single life can be so full of uncertainty. Yet the single life, especially when it feels like it is not so grace-filled, is more grace-filled than I can ever imagine! God has a way of showing me God’s grace through one of the hardest seasons of my life. And knowing that, I trust and wait for the gift of grace in the midst of this season of singleness in my life. Yet there are days that is so much easier said than done. No amount of chocolate or peppermint ice cream will make up for God’s grace which is always and ever enough! 
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Today I am linking up with some of my favorites: Holly and Testimony Tuesday, Kelly and the RaRa Linkup, Jennifer and Tell His Story, and Holley and Coffee for Your Heart.


12 thoughts on “My Not So Graced-Filled Life

  1. Tara, this post really speaks to me. I am married – and most days I would loudly say that I am happily married – ha ha!. But, my older sister has not married yet. And, in the eyes of the world… probably won't at her age. I know that she longs for the same things that you have expressed. I hurt for her, as I hurt for you. And, yet I wrestle with why, why not & when… I certainly don't have the words to say. But, I thank God that both you & my sister HOLD ON TO GOD & trust in Him. May you feel the peace that passes all understanding in your heart today!! Thanks for your honesty & for sharing!!

    PS Thanks also for reading one of my posts this week at "stuckinindiana". I accidentally deleted your comment instead of approving it to post. And, I can't seem to figure how to un-do that. Oops… so sorry :/

  2. Tara, we've never met in person but there is such deep connection between your heart and mine. I don't know how, or when, or where but I believe with all of me that God will give you the desire of your heart OR He will replace that desire with something else. And, when it's from God, it is all the time and in every way GOOD. Be encouraged today my sweet.

  3. Sweet friend, I wish there was a crystal ball that would measure out your days for you. Where you could see exactly what God has planned. I know I've longed for that. For me, it's had to become sufficient to know that He knows. That the same God who hung the moon and stars has His mighty hand on my life and more than anything else He does for me, God wants to be my sufficiency. He wants to be enough. It's hard to live our days longing for more, and singleness isn't one I've walked through, but desire is. And somewhere along the way, I had to decide, to choose, to believe that my part is to walk forward and His is to write the story that I walk in. We don't get to switch roles, and chances are if He gave me the task, I'd make a grand mess of it. As hard as it is to swallow, and as much as waiting hurts, we wait for so much more than we can see. We wait for Him, and His plans are good. I know He is writing goodness over you. xo

  4. A not so grace-filled life is actually very grace-filled. Such wise words that speak greatly to me too. As a single mom I understand some of your heartache and pray for all single woman out there that they know how loved they are. Hugs!

    PS Susan is the best!

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