First off, I want to say “thank you” to all of you who have stopped by my blog as I have begun the #write31days challenge. I’ll admit that self-doubt had crept in and I wasn’t sure that what I was writing about was the right topic. But after your comments, I know that I am exactly where God wants me to be…to be writing about a topic that needs to be talked about. So again thank you…your words will get me through on those days when I think I have nothing valid to say at all!
“When am I going to be a Grandma?” That is Mom’s favorite question as of late. She really wants to be a Grandma. But as I tell her, there is just one small problem. My sister and I need to find those special men to marry and have a family with. And at this point and time, there are no prospects in sight either. I really believe Mom is asking this question because she is a person who loves “hard” (meaning she falls in love with friends and family quickly and creates meaningful and close relationships fast which also means she mourns hard too!)
I’ll admit that when Mom asks me that question, I find myself perhaps a little frustrated! Nothing has changed since the time she asked last week…or even when she asked yesterday. And I’ll admit I also get frustrated with myself for being so frustrated with her. I know there are times when I snap back quicker than I intend to. And I feel horrible when I react that way…yet I know that I am simply human. I also know that Mom still loves me despite my own shortcomings and failings.
Marriage and family is something that I definitely yearn for, yet it also is something that I find myself holding back from in a sense too. Because when I do find my Mr. Right, I wonder who will come with me to pick out my wedding dress because Mom isn’t going to be able to be involved in the wedding planning etc as much as I would like her to be. You see my senior year of college, Mom’s lithium (a drug she takes for her bipolar disorder) got too high which caused her kidneys to shut down. We weren’t sure she was going to make it but she rallied and is doing so very well. But since that time, Mom has lived in an assisted living/nursing home. Despite all of this, I know that she will find her ways to be involved! And I also know that I have amazing friends and family; caring, authentic, available, affirming adults who will sit and cry tears; tears of joy with me when I find that perfect dress for my “hopefully someday” special day! They also will be the ones who will celebrate with me as we mark each milestone along the way.
Yet marriage and family is still a difficult topic to talk about. My parents divorced my sophomore year of high school. It was truly the one and only time I saw tears streaming down our dad’s face. I also will never forget the words he uttered to my sister and I that day either. With tears in his eyes, he said, “It isn’t that I don’t love your mom anymore. It’s that I cant handle this illness.” Powerful but truthful words! I know it took a lot of courage to say those words to us.
Yes, there are days that I get impatient waiting for my Mr. Right. But I know that God is preparing the perfect man for me; the perfect man who will hear my story; my family’s story of mental illness and won’t be scared away but rather will hold my hand, walk with me and us, and will simply let me cry on his shoulder when Mom isn’t doing well.
"Yes, there are days that I get impatient waiting for my Mr. Right. But I know that God is preparing the perfect man for me; the perfect man who will hear my story; my family's story of mental illness and won't be scared away but rather will hold my hand, walk with me and us, and will simply let me cry on his shoulder when Mom isn't doing well. "
This resonates with me so much! I struggled so much with my depression that I got to a point where I started to wonder if God really did have someone for me. It was frustrating and heartbreaking at times to watch so many of my friends get married and start their families. I felt as though I would perpetually be a bridesmaid (or soloist) and never a bride. When God brought my husband into my life as a friend amidst one of my darker depressive episodes, I was stunned by how much love he showed me and by the fact that he didn't run screaming into the night! We were friends for a year before we started a romantic relationship which eventually led to marriage. My husband is absolutely a gift from God for me and I am grateful that he loves me despite my illness and struggles. He often tells me that my illness is not me, that it's just covering up who I really am and that that's the woman he loves and married. I say all of that to say that I think it is a common feeling to those of us who suffer with mental illness (or have grown up with a parent or sibling with it) to wonder if we will ever find someone who will walk with us through the dark valleys that mental illness takes us through. I say that both as someone with mental illness and as the daughter of a mom with mental illness. It's hard to wait, but it is so worth it. Thank you again for blogging on this subject. It is one that doesn't receive much attention when it comes to mental health awareness. Would you mind if I link to your blog from my blog? I would love to help raise awareness of this and help increase your traffic too!