“In My Wrestling and My Doubts”

I am linking up for the Five Minute Friday. The FMF is hosted by Kate Motaung on her blog Heading Home. Today’s prompt is “Doubt.” Write for five minutes; unedited.

There Kate goes again…giving us a word prompt that hits me straight in the gut. 
Sometimes I stand in the mirror, looking at my face and body, self-doubt so easily creeping in. 
Sometimes I hear the news of another friend’s engagement or pregnancy, and I doubt whether it will ever happen for me. I honestly am excited for them, but there is a piece of me that has a hard time hearing those words. 
Sometimes I doubt if I am where God has called me to be in this time and place.
Doubt has a way of doing that, doesn’t it? Doubt has a way of creeping in and trying to tell us lies from the enemy. Yet the truth is that God wants us never to doubt ourselves, but most importantly, God wants us NEVER to doubt God’s promises for our lives. God gave each of  us gifts to share in the world and wants us never to take those gifts for granted. 
Faith=trust; trusting in God. Faith is the opposite of doubt. Faith is trusting in the words of God our Father. We are God’s beloved sons and daughters! Faith is knowing that “faith is the assurance of things hoped for; the conviction of things not yet seen.”
There are indeed days when I doubt whether or not God hears my prayers.* Actually to be honest, I often wonder if God hears my prayers. I still want to be a mom and a wife, but each and every day that doesn’t happen for me, I doubt a little bit more. Before I know it, doubt is finding its way into my heart and mind yet again.

As I doubt, I am thankful for the reminders that God is always there for us as long as we trust in him. In the words of one of my all-time favorite songs by one of my all-time favorite bands Rend Collective Experiment, I am reminded that God will never leave me or forsake me. The first verse even states “In my wrestling and in my doubts, In my failures, You won’t walk out; You’re great love will lead me through; You are the peace in my troubled seas.” Yes, God promises to never walk out and will be the peace in our troubled seas!
*Where my five minutes ended!

38 thoughts on ““In My Wrestling and My Doubts”

  1. You touched my heart with this one, Tara. I want so much for you to find the family and the happiness that YOU will make complete!

    I think of you daily, and pray for you daily. You have so much to give; and I believe that God is listening very closely indeed.

    I hope I may say this – the picture you have here is lovely; you're an extraordinarily beautiful woman. That is one thing you should not doubt. God made a masterpiece.

    #2 on FMF tonight.

    • Thank You, Andrew! Your prayers are so greatly appreciated. That you take the time to pray for me, in the midst of your illness, means the world to me. And thank you for saying that I am an extraordinarily beautiful woman. Your sweet words are so welcome here!

  2. What a tender, transparent post, Tara. I am so glad that Jesus is able to handle our doubts, love us through them, and replace them with faith and trust. Bless you, sweet one. I'm at #23 at #fmfparty today.

  3. I like Rend Collective too. Music is a wonderful gift from God as he uses it to touch those tender places in our hearts. Even our doubts, as He is rescuing yours. Such an honest post, Tara. I have no doubt it will touch others just when they need it.

  4. Tara, my heart aches for you. Your transparency touched me. I've walked the roads you're walking, and they're not easy paths. When we dealt with infertility, we stopped going to church on Mother's Day because it was just too painful. The best thing we can do in times of doubt is to keep our eyes on God and remember He has GOOD plans for us. For you, my friend. He's keeping you and treasuring you in the palm of His hand.

    And yes, keep your faith in Him. I loved your math equation, by the way: Faith=trust. So simple, yet so true. I'm praying for you.

    • Jeanne, thank you so much for saying that my transparency touched you. It helps to know that I am not alone. You are so right, the best thing we can do in times of doubt is keep our eyes fixed upon Jesus. I love that math equation too. If I'm remembering correctly, a seminary professor taught me that equation. Thanks also for the prayers. They are so greatly appreciated!

  5. Oh you, I feel for you. It will all be that much more wonderful for you once it arrives, because you've been preparing deeply for it's arrival. Thinking of you. [Loved your point that faith = trust; it's one we all take for granted, I think, but one that it's good to ponder once in a while]. Helen xx

  6. I also love Rend Collective. Thank you for sharing that song. Now back to you-I am so blessed to know you and to hear your heart through every word. God absolutely hears your every word, thought and feeling. I am praying as you walk this road with God knowing that your life is still not complete. Love you girl!

    • Mary, Rend Collective is so great, aren't they? I just bought their new cd, but I sadly haven't had time to listen to it yet. Thank you for saying that you are blessed to know me and my heart through my every word. That means a lot. Thanks for the prayers too. They are so greatly appreciated! Love you too!!!

  7. Tara, your heart is so present in this post. I know the watching, the seeing is hard. Different but same, I sometimes get that way when I see all these pregnant young women. Knowing I'll never experience pregnancy or birth through my own body, even though I would never trade my 4 children for anything. It's a longing that will never be fulfilled, but Tara, I pray that your longing WILL be fulfilled. It is hard to wait. But I believe God is perfecting the right husband for you, even as I type this. You will be such a sweet, blessing to the man He gives you. Hugs dear friend!

    • Christy, I am so glad that you can see that my heart is present in this post. I didn't know that part of your story. Thank you for sharing it with me. It helps to know that my desires can be met in different ways. God might have something else in mind for me. Thanks for the prayers too. They are so greatly appreciated! Waiting is not one of my strong suits! 😛 Hugs back to you friend!

  8. I so love you, friend! I love your willingness to be real here and not push aside the hard truths of wrestling… I am praying with you, and for you… for the desires of your heart that include a husband and a family… but even more so – I am praying He answers some other prayers along the way that confirm what you already know… He hears you… He is listening… and He is at work behind the scenes, my friend! xoxo

  9. you are so correct about the way doubt creeps in so we don't notice it till it overwhelms us. I feel kicked in the gut whenever I see a pic or a post with long-time or even lifelong friends. A graduation, wedding, or ordination pic. Those people haven't been Photoshopped into the scene, but I tell myself they have been. When someone posts about preaching—last time I preached was Advent 3 2006. How many people have pointed out what for us is many years is only a few seconds in God's time? But we forget too soon and we doubt for too long.

  10. Great post, Tara. I like how you identify the way doubt creeps in and tells us lies from the enemy but that we need to hold to God's truth even when it doesn't feel true. I pray that you will be encouraged this week, that you will know God with you and know that he sees you and hears your prayers. I love the Rend Collective song too- it's one of my favourites.

    • Thanks, Carly! Thank you for the prayers. They are so greatly appreciated and sustain me on the most difficult of days when doubt is creeping in the most. I love that Rend Collective song so much too. It is one of my faves too.

  11. Friend, I love your honesty. It's a hard place to sit and I can only imagine the longing you have to know what God has up ahead. What ever He writes over your life He does so with great purpose – He knows what He's doing and it delights Him to give you the desires of your heart. Praying for you friend and looking with expectancy for those dreams of yours to unfold!

    • Thanks Tiffany! Thanks so much for the prayers. They are so greatly appreciated and when doubt is creeping in the most, they are what sustain me. God does know what God is doing. I need to remember that.

  12. I appreciate your honesty. I'm struggling through it as well whenever announces their second pregnancy and their first child isn't much older (or sometimes younger) than my own child. And it doesn't help when other people contribute to the doubt (ex: "So when is the next child coming?"). I have to remind myself that God has a time and a purpose for all things. Expect great things from a Might Savior dear friend.

    • Thank You, Samantha! I am glad to know that I am not alone even if we desire different things. You are so right…God does have a time and a purpose for all things: "a time to weep, a time to laugh; a time to plant; a time to pluck up what is planted; etc"

  13. Tara,
    oh blessed are you, indeed. Your worth is far more valuable than rubies. "Faith is the opposite of doubt." Amen! (and you know why I'm so excited-because we had the same thoughts!!) Proverbs 31:10 speaks of you. "10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."
    Tara, you are devoting yourself to being completely whole in Christ. There are many unhappy discontent women out there with spouses and children who lack what you have. Not to discount your struggle, because it is real and it is painful. Just know, that you are, in some ways, richer. When God does move and you have that beautiful relationship, you will be such a blessing, because you will not be emotionally dependent on anyone but Him. Though you want these things, you do not need them to be complete. Your life isn't revolving around them. They will not control you, but will instead bless you.
    Hugs and hugs some more!!

    • You are so sweet, Tammy! "More precious than rubies." I needed that reminded! We did have the same thoughts this week, didn't we? You are so right…there are many unhappy discontent individuals out there who already have what I desire, yet they are still unhappy and discontent. I need to remember that. Thanks for your words. And hugs back to you. Love you!

  14. The lies planted by doubt are so real sometimes. Does doubt have a place in life? Does it keep us questioning and engaged or defeated and lost? I suppose it depends on how we respond. Turning to God, who never walks out is the best response. I agree.

  15. Tara, your tender heart and your transparency are on display here, and both of them are beautiful to behold. My heart aches for you as you swing from doubt to faith and back again in wondering just when your desperate please and prayers will be answered.
    And I have entirely different circumstances but I can strongly relate to the need to be reassured that God hears my prayers, especially those that have been in my heart and on my lips for many a year.
    You are beloved and precious to God and to all who know you. I hope you can rest in the truth of that as you wait for your heart's desires to be met. God is already at work in you. It is evident here and in your lovely smiling face. Praying for you. Xx

  16. Hi Tara, you AREN'T the only one who doubts whether God hears you. May He pour out his grace on you, giving you joy and peace as you learn to trust Him. (That's what I'm learning too.) Thanks for sharing so transparently. Yours is not an easy road. My journey waiting on God for a husband was relatively short: I married at 31. But it seemed like forever, and I watched so many friends marry. It was hard. I have a dear friend who is single at 55. God has a different plan for each one. I pray for you now that He'll give you joy in whatever plan He has for you. He loves you!

    • Betsy, so glad that I am not alone. Thanks for the prayers. They are so greatly appreciated. My Uncle got married when he was in his 50s, knowing that gives me hope. Thanks again for stopping by.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.