Say Yes to the Dress, Four Weddings, any of the television weddings….they all pull me in. And last night was no exception. I found myself watching the latest Duggar wedding on TLC. Before I knew it, tears were rolling down my cheeks as I watched this fairy tale unfold before my eyes. Both the bride and groom shared how they thought that they were never going to get married. Yet God led them to each other.
As I listened to the words coming from their mouths, my heart sank. I am the opposite. I have always thought that I would get married. Yet here I am at 40 1/2 years old and there are no prospects in sight. More and more the hope of this dream is being diminished for me. What if those words come true for me, what if I never become a wife and/or mom?
I constantly turn to the Scripture that reminds me that God hears the desires of my heart. Yet that desire is still unanswered. I find myself crying out again and again “How long, oh Lord, how long, will you forget me forever?” I want to trust that God will answer this in God’s timing and not mine, but most days that is harder to trust in than I care to admit because I am still chasing “the untils” that God placed on my heart since I was a little girl. Until I get married, until I am a mom, Until I……
Why would God place this desire on my heart if this wasn’t supposed to happen for me? I remember a conversation a friend and I had many years ago. She shared that she didn’t think God would place that desire on your heart if God wasn’t going to make it happen for you.
There have been times that I have seen glimpses. Wondering why God brought someone into my life; only to find out that it was simply meant to be just a friendship. I treasure those friendships deeply. But I want so much more. I want that special person; my best friend who I can share everything with, who will wipe away my tears when I am sad and rejoice with me when I am happy. Someone who I can grow old with as we grow in our relationship together.
Singleness is not for the faint of heart. There are so many wondering why I am still single. It is hard to answer that question when I am not sure myself. Yet I believe with all my heart that God is here. God does hear the desires of my heart.
So I will do my best to trust. However, I know that I will still find myself crying out, “How long, oh Lord, how long? Will you forget me forever? How long, oh Lord?” It’s the eternal cry of my heart!