Still Waiting for My Happily Ever After

“Happily ever after” 

As a little girl, that is how all those fairytales I watched seemed to end. The princess always seemed to find her Prince Charming. The bad guy always seemed to be defeated and the good guy always seemed to come out on top. As a little girl, I continually found myself looking for “my” happily ever. I would look around every corner to find what I was looking for. I always pictured myself as the beautiful princess who finally captured her Prince Charming. In my dreams, I would see myself decked out in an elegant ball gown, walking around the corner, finding my Prince. We would stand under the magnificent moonlit sky, embracing one another and kissing. That was how I pictured “my happily ever after;” a “happily ever after” fit for a fairytale ending!

But as I have grown up, I have realized that life isn’t always full of the “happily ever afters” because life has its ups and downs. Life is just as full of “unhappily ever afters” as it is “happily ever afters.” I say that as daily this reminder stares me right back in the face as my deepest desires have not been answered. I say that also knowing that my family has changed and experienced its own ups and downs in life. So I find myself clinging to fear rather than hope.

Today my friend Anna who blogs over at Girl with Blog wrote this beautiful blog post about the movie Frozen and the song Else sings where she sings “conceal don’t feel.” (You can read Anna’s blog post here: Anna reminds me; reminds us that the opposite of love is fear. As I read Anna’s words, they hit me straight in the heart. Oh how often I don’t feel because I am afraid of what might happen. I am afraid that my deepest desires and dreams might not come true. I am afraid that I will never get to be a mom…not in the way I always pictured as a little girl. I am afraid of so much. But as Anna reminds me and YOU, God feels for us. God didn’t conceal. God felt wholly and completely for each of us.

For me, that is often so hard to trust in. I open up my FB newsfeed and I see the beautiful pictures of my friends and their dear families. My heart aches because I want what they have so deeply. (I truly am happy for each and every one of them but in order for me to live my life, I cannot conceal those feelings which is why I need to share them here). I am still looking for “my happily ever after.” I am waiting for God to send that Prince Charming into my waiting arms as we kiss under that magnificent moonlit sky.

Yet I stand, with open arms, still waiting. And that is so hard for me to admit because I truly believe that God hears my every desire and prayers but there is also a part of me that clings to the fear; a fear that holds me down and doesn’t let go.

Because I am still that little girl waiting for her “happily ever after!”

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