I am standing in the door frame; feeling like I am ready to walk through the door. But yet I am paralyzed not able to move. Fear; doubt; anxiety are all part of the reason I cannot and have not moved beyond the door frame.
A few years ago, my friend Sarah started texting me and nudging me to pray about being a foster mom. It is something that God has definitely put on my heart and soul because I have not been able to shake this calling.
The reality is that there are so many in our world who are in need of being loved. One does not need to look far to see that. My heart breaks at all the children who are neglected,abandoned, etc. And as a 39 year old woman who has always yearned deeply to be a wife and mom, I constantly wonder if this is a calling God has placed in my life.
And then last Spring, I moved into the doorway. I went to an open house for one of our local foster care agencies. I was even on the news for a brief second. It was a megaphone for me and to many that I was ready to start the process. So I began! I met with the local foster care agent for a few hours, got the paperwork and was ready to move forward.
But then the unexpected happened and I resigned from my call at the church I was serving. I found myself yelling and questioning God. Why did you want me to start and now everything has to be put on hold? To be honest, I had a bitter taste in my mouth because the time seemed so right. In time, I came to terms that the time was not now.
Through the summer, I prayed and began to find my footing once again. I even stated out loud that I was ready; but thought I wanted to wait at least a year until I was settled in my new community. A peace settled over me that had been missing!
In January, at the ELCA Youth Ministry Network Extravaganza, during one of the worship services, we were asked to write our hopes on a piece of paper and put it in the bucket. My friend who was sitting directly next to me pulled out two pieces from the hopes; one for her and one for me. She handed me one slip and kept the other for herself. As we sat down, she showed me the slip of paper in her hand and asked, “Is this you?” I shook my head yes. We embraced as tears fell from my eyes. My friend also shared that my hope would be planted at her church on Ash Wednesday.
On Ash Wednesday, she texted me two pictures of my hopes being planted in that dirt. Those pictures gave me a new hope; a new hope as I listen to the calling of the Holy Spirit in regards to fostering and adopting. Then today, she texted me one simple photo; a photo of growth coming from that dirt and those hopes. The text also read these words, “And new life comes from our prayers.” Tears immediately began streaming down my face.
A few weeks ago, a new parishioner shared my name with the head of the foster care department here in my new community. This individual immediately sent me an email asking where I stand with all of this stuff. I found myself proclaiming once again that maybe it was time to step back into the doorway. I emailed her and we set up a date to visit later this week; Thursday to be exact!
And so my friends, here I am; finding myself standing back in the door frame wondering if now is the time; the time to move beyond the door frame into the doorway.
“There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: A right time for birth and another for death, A right time to plant and another to reap, A right time to kill and another to heal, A right time to destroy and another to construct, A right time to cry and another to laugh, A right time to lament and another to cheer, A right time to make love and another to abstain, A right time to embrace and another to part, A right time to search and another to count your losses, A right time to hold on and another to let go, A right time to rip out and another to mend, A right time to shut up and another to speak up, A right time to love and another to hate, A right time to wage war and another to make peace.”–Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (The Message Translation)
Linking up with Kelly and the Ra Ra linkup, Jennifer and Tell His Story, Holley and Coffee for your Heart and Kristin and Porch Stories!